Overwhelmed
Dear someone,
It has been 5 years. 5 long years. I would not know where to start, I’ve lost my passion to write and express, I lost writing as my outlet, I turned to smoking, not the healthiest option. I have gone through so much over the years, I turned my life around, I have made good friends and bad, I have been in relationships that destroyed me, but here I am.
I always tried to have faith in God and that everything happens for a reason. I turned to poetry a few years ago, but after my grandma’s death I lost my inspiration to write again. I tried to journal, to write but nothing ever came out. Many things have changed but I guess my fear of sharing and asking for help when I need it has never changed. Because here I am writing once again, instead of trying to open up to one of my close friends.
Over these years I tried to accept myself for who I am, to simply be me and not care. And while it has worked it still makes me the odd one out. I have become a secure person, confident and self aware. Yet, I often find myself doubting my capabilities,my looks, my personality, my choices. I still find myself wondering and confused. I still detach from reality and push everyone away.
I lie to myself when I am fully aware, I live with the flow knowing that the flow is not for me. I find myself insecure of my financial status after my family went through a really rough period. But I feel guilty, am I not grateful, i was fortunate enough to be educated in the best schools, had everything i ever wanted, lived in mansions throughout the countries i lived in, but now that we are in recovery, i find myself wanting more and more, i miss that old lifestyle, even through all this my parents still managed to put me in one of the best universities in my region.
I appreciate everything they do for me, and rebelling and whining and keep asking for more makes me question, am I a brat, am I not grateful enough?
There is so much to share and so much to tell, it is overwhelming and as someone who taught herself not to be vulnerable or show weakness through emotions, I am having an inner conflict with myself, I hate this part of me, brings back all these memories
I’m not sure your current living situation, and have never been wealthy enough to live in a mansion….but I have definitely found myself in a living situation that isn’t as nice as a previous one. It’s hard to go backwards, and I think it’s normal to feel that way. Allow yourself to confide in people, unless of course you think it would sour the friendship. In that case..are they even friends?
@girlsloveguns I think as long as I am living under a roof with a home it makes me fortune enough and I should be more than grateful because I’m aware that others don’t get that luxury of having simply a home, but I also agree that it’s hard finding yourself in a situation worse than other but you have to be grateful that’s life. I try to confide and I know I have friends who are waiting for me to open up to them, they always tell me when you’re ready we are here but I just find it so hard, sometimes I hit rock bottom and I try to reach out but I just shut down.
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Sometimes, even though we are aimed at and working toward a goal or an achievement, we can find ourselves listless, stagnant, confused, feeling as if something isn’t quite right, even though it looks like it should be, for all intents and purposes. We’re in college, aiming for a degree, or we’re involved in our career and heading for that great promotion, whatever it may be.
But sometimes, it doesn’t feel quite right because it’s not quite right for us. If we are aimed with the wrong trajectory or hurdling full speed ahead toward the wrong, (or someone else’s) goal, we’re going to repeatedly feel like we’re missing the mark, even if we are actually hitting them… They aren’t really ours to hit.
It’s impossible to tell if this is what’s at work for you, but it was an epiphany for me and while mine happened much too late to do anything productive with, it sounds like you are still quite young and have a lot ahead of you. Options, opportunity, everything.
I hope you find what’s eating at you. I’m betting on the future. 🙂
@odd-petunia your words hit home and the way you described it makes it so relatable, wish you all the best and I hope it’s never too late to be productive even if it’s for minor things. Fingers crossed for the future😊
@someonebroken I won’t be winning any Grammys, I’ll never earn six figures a year, and I probably won’t bring back the messenger pigeon or riding a horse around instead of driving as much as I would have liked to do those things, but what I certainly will do is avoid repeating my mistakes, do my best to help my fellow humans from falling into the same pits I have fallen into myself, but if they do, to toss them a ladder and dust them off at the top. Money isn’t everything anywho.
But the messenger pigeon thing would seriously be so rad. Haha!
The dash between the dates after my name that will come someday, rest assured, will be a robust chronicle of tales so unbelieveable and strange and funny that it will make the last date well worth the first. No worries there.
Love & Respect,
Odd Petunia
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