Bad memories

Dear someone,

Yesterday was a long day, it was so exhausting and sad. I had another PTSD episode, I haven’t had one this bad in so long, that tightening feeling and darkness took me back to that dark time, everything was overwhelming and the fact I was in my car with my mom screaming at me was not helping at all.

I felt trapped, I wanted to forget, I needed to breathe. Tears flowed down my face and all I wished for was for the darkness to take me, I wished my mom would just stop and hug me, tell me everything was alright. The chaos, the loudness, it was a sensory overload. I could not take it.

When he came and saw me in that state, I knew he was helpless because my mom was there, he could not touch me or come near me (due to cultural norms), I could see he was affected and I hated that he had to see me in that state.

I hate being vulnerable, I hate being weak and crying, I hate being helpless. Not being able to get myself together and try to keep things under control just made me feel like I failed myself. I just wanted to be alone and cry in a corner.

It was too much, and even I, the self composed tough girl, could not take it anymore. I broke down, and I am sorry for myself that it had to be in front of people. It was a heavy overwhelming day, but I got through it like I always do.