Where have I gone

I so miss the old me.  The one before Steve left, the happy one, the talkative one, the laughing one, and the whole one.  It’s not even just him, my meds have changed me too.   When I was facetiming with Brie the night before last she was talking about that and tears kept streaming down her cheeks.  Granted she is very emotional while in treatment but still it broke my heart.  She hates that I’m on so many medications, she says they have changed me so much.  She kept apologizing while crying and talking and later she called me before she went to bed and she said she hoped she hadn’t hurt me and that  I was still her mom.   That made me feel good although that’s not what broke my heart, I just can’t stand to see any of them cry.

It’s hard to remember how I used to be.   I’m still thankful and grateful for all I do have, probably even more so because I know how much it hurts to lose people in life.  Now I am quiet and don’t say much of anything I just listen to the kids talking and laughing.  I laugh too but even that is different, I don’t even have the same laugh.   My voice is different too, it’s so weird that happened.   So really I am not even close to the person I was before Steve left and the meds side effects changed me.  It’s hard to talk too and that is another reason I am so quiet.

I text a lot and we all do snapchat (public and one just for our family) and facetime and phone calls to keep in touch and for fun.  I enjoy all that very much.  Chels and I text all day and so do my sister and I on the weekends when she’s not working.  That’s how I prefer to talk for obvious reasons.

I’ll never get back to who I used to be but I wish I could be lighthearted like I used to be.  Now, except for my family, it takes a lot for me to laugh.  My best friend Bill and I do laugh but he more so than me.  He is great and he’s great for me, I feel more like my old self when I’m with him.  I’m talking about the way I was growing up.  I’ve known him all my life.   He was my first everything, first love, first making out, first one I had sex with, to name a few.  I’ll love him forever, not in love with him but love him like the best of friends.   Everyone in my family and the people we grew up with thought we’d get married because we were together so often.   We never seemed to last like girlfriend/boyfriend though, I don’t think we even know why.  Now they think we should get married since we are both single.  Maybe someday we will, who knows. He still calls me every couple of weeks just to see how I’m doing.

I’m still loving and as kind as I can be to others.   I’m happy when I’m with the girls and Logan and Jersey, and I do feel some lightheartedness when I’m with them but my meds have numbed me for the most part.  My new psychiatrist is going to go thru my meds with me and maybe we can change or take away the most likely culprits.  That will be wonderful and I’m looking forward to it.   The wellbutrin has helped to some degree but I wish I could get the real one instead of the generic.  My insurance will only pay for that one.  Brie is on wellbutrin and she says it is a wonder drug, she has so much energy and she is so much happier on it.   I’ll talk to the doctor and see if we can up that for me and maybe it will help.

Writing on here is good for me, it always has been.  I’ve been on here for 20 years and I’ve made a lot of friends that I still keep in touch with on facebook-I love that.  It’s good to get stuff out and nice to get opinions.  I’ve found 2 of my friends on here that came back like I did but they did  a few years ago.  They don’t write much anymore so I’ll have to tell them on facebook that I found them.   We used to write pretty much every day, I loved their entries and their comments really helped me over the years.  I miss that so much.

I’m still figuring out this life, even tho I’m almost 60 I still have a lot to learn.  For example people say that things happen for a reason but I’ve yet to figure out the reason my marriage broke apart.  I don’t think I’ll ever know.   The only reason I can think of is that he changed so much it just wouldn’t have been the same but why did he have to change in the first place?  I read up a lot on mid-life crisis so I know why he did in reality, I know what happened that way,  it was textbook right down to having an affair with the office secretary.   But why did it have to happen?  Lorrie and Chels say I’ll never know the reason it happened so I try to just let it go but every time I think I’ve succeeded  I’ll read something or see or hear something and I’m right back to asking those stupid questions.   Crazy.

This is one of those wondering days,  obviously, and I’m lonely today so I’m feeling blue right there.  Maybe it would be nice to be married but then again  I love my solitude most days.

My laundry is done so I’ll close for today, kind of a downer entry anyway.  I’ll try to do better tomorrow.

Have a great day.