Tired. Bored. Cranky.

So. That about sums it up.

Bye.

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Heh.

Have you ever just been in one of those moods? I can’t really put my finger on anything to name the reason for this state of mind, body and soul. Just that it’s there. I hate it.

Not long after hubs got home, he asked me why I looked so very, very sad. I said I didn’t know and then I cried. Told him my BPD was acting up and I was exhausted from ‘fighting it’ or dealing w/ it…Cried some more. Told him it was one of those days where I couldn’t seem to please anyone, least of all myself. Cried some more. Told him I wished I’d have gone over to seen Logan earlier, now it was probably too, *sob*, laaaattteeee *wailed that*.

He held me, then he asked if I wanted him to bring me over there and he’d pick me up. I have been absolutely freezing the last couple days, cannot seem to get warmed up and then I get chilled easily-he knew I did not want to go start up the van, and since I was almost out of gas, stop and put gas in, and all that…plus of course, it’s hard to drive safely when one is bawling ones eyes out.

I thought about that, I mean why should he have to go out…then I realized that’d be really great, and I called Brie and Logan was up and I said “Yes.”

While I was there, w/ Logan I was fine. Well, duh. But soon after I got home, here I am all mopey again. Sigh. Honestly I wish hubs could just whap me upside the head hard enough to knock me out so I could get to sleep early ONE DAMN NIGHT. (Honestly I’ve no idea why he wouldn’t want to either.)

The worst aspect of my BPD are what I call the ‘brainbenders’. My brain goes on this roller coaster of horror and nothing but Solitaire or writing stops it. The Nuerontin really helps that, but sometimes it still happens no matter what. I get so tired of fighting the images (constantly reassuring myself it’s not *real* or trying to stop them), and so tired because of course I play Solitaire until I nearly am asleep in my chair and those late nights after so long, suck the energy from me. It takes energy to live with this damn illness, so…

I suppose I could get sleep aids of some sorts when these nights hit, but truthfully I just never think of it…until like now, and I believe it’s a touch too late to call my doc. (cannot take anything new w/o checking with him lst of course).

*Yawn* Don’t get excited, I yawn because my body is tired, but my little brain is still wired for sound.

Now, I don’t *have* to see Logan every day anymore. I like to, but it’s not like I don’t miss a day every so often. However my brainbending horror stories were largely focused on him. I thought I’d be ok if I just got some rest but no, by tonight I was a mess. Seeing and holding him helped so much. He is just so precious and is growing so, he loves to grab your hands when he’s laying down, and pull himself straight up to his feet. That’s not good for his hips so we don’t let him do it too much, but oh boy that little bugger is strong! I do have new pictures, but the pic place screwed up and didn’t put them online. (One more reason for my bad week) I have to get a scanner so I just scan them or get that new camera or or or… Sigh. I’ll think about that tomorrow. *g*

Anyways, he is so excited now to see me, whenever I come into a room but especially when I first see him that day. His eyes brighten and he sits up straighter, waves his hands, kicks his feet and grins while cooing and blowing bubbles. That’s pretty much a day brightener anyway you look at it. *w* Then after we ‘talk’, I pick him up and he puts his little hand tight against my back, and lays his head down on my shoulder. Obviously the roof could fall in at that moment and I wouldn’t give a hoot. Course it’s pretty much been like that with him from day one, well before he knew me. Today he had on his cuddly, velvet puppy outfit. It’s a one piece w/ puppy heads on the feet and a hoodie with little ears. Too cute. He’s getting chubby too, chubby cheeks and legs and little chubby fingers, and he gives those wonderful wet drooly kisses with his mouth wide open. *thump, thump* Grandma’s little darlin’.

I *love* seeing Brie so happy too. I’m so glad I went over there tonight and my husband-who took time out from the work he needed to finish tonight to run me over there and back-has made me feel so loved and cared for (and that is just a damn good feeling), that you’d think I’d be just fine now. Should’ve just brought my suitcase over and spent the night there! Oy.

No. I think I know what it is, I’m just stretched thin right now. It’s been a hectic week-or two-and I’ve spent the last 3 days getting Chels online (bought a router, supposed to just plug it in and presto! – Yeah, right) and appt.s and errands and no sleep the past 2 weeks has caught up with me.

Talking isn’t helping, I’m going to take a hot bath, have some Chivas and hope to hell it helps! I’ll be back to read tomorrow when I feel less snarly. Heh.

‘Night all.