This ‘n That…

I’m still here. My computer is barely hanging on, pissing me off to no end-but I’m here. Now that I think of it, I am pissing myself off to no end also. Heh.

My anxiety, I’m sorry to say, is also still here, tempered by the uptake of Celexa and I also quit my ClaritonD as that is a stimulant. I thought it would be ok since we had snow on the ground (ridiculously early even for MN), but the snow left and my sinuses are acting up. But…better a stuffy head then a loony one.

My OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) which tags along with my bipolar, has been giving me fits. This time I’m obsessing on Steve. (hubs) Odd, usually it’s on one of the girls. He’s doing ok with it, prob. enjoying the extra attention. *L*

Our weather is well, just crappy. The sun peeks out every week or so, which even tho’ I love rainy, cloudy days, is grating on us all. Really strange, we usually have beautiful, sunny Fall days. This year we’ve had snow, rain, a mix, and nothing but gray skies. Seems to put a damper on everyone after this long.

Regardless, my days have been flying by. Full and busy. Which is a very good thing. I still go see my precious little man every day. Brie’s not sick of it, because: Carl is an asshole. stupidhead. loser. idiot. shithead.

That should tell you how that’s going. Heh. Brie’s booted him out, and I do so hope that’s it. I’m so sick of it I could puke for one thing and I’m telling you seeing my daughters broken heart is not an easy thing.

I have a lot on my mind re: that whole situation and trying to sort it out and keep a healthy balance is not at all easy with my BPD acting up. My OCD focusing on hubs is prob. some sort of escape right now.

Well. This is a cheery entry is it not? *snort* Guess I needed a good P & M session. (piss and moan) Oh. Ya THINK?! *L*

Lately it seems I am cheering everyone else up, no time for me. So I guess it’s understandable. Chels, my little sweet heart, is by nature a pessimist. She can get so upset in a second-it passes quickly most times, but lately we’ve had many “seconds”. Oy. Brie, of course, is not her normal cheery self. Thankfully, due my obsessing (HA!) hubs is doing his best to be here for me and at work less-a good thing, he was putting in 60-70 hrs. a wk.

My brightest spot is Logan. And what a good mommy Brie is, although I ache for her. Sigh. Logan is just incredible. Every day he does something new, and his strength floors me. He stands right up my lap and will nearly bounce. That’s his fave thing. Hold him under the arms, around his belly and bounce him up and down-quickly. Grandma is going to have arms of steel let me tell you! I can’t get enough of that child. None of us can and he shows it, he glows with health and loving. Only fusses/cries when wet or hungry. And cute??? You never saw the like! (teehee) Ok,unless it’s your child or grandchild, that is. *w*

My sister and I talk about this, and laugh and laugh, this grandma phenomenon. We are different in that, she’s possessive about Chloe, doesn’t really want anyone near her (they may snatch her!) and me, I hold him up and show him off proudly to anyone who asks. But she is more possessive by personality so that makes sense. But we’re both simply madly in love with them, and look at them and what they do as purely miraculous. *L* Dorks.

I swear he is getting me by these days. I am so thankful, so thankful for that little boy every minute of every day.

Ok. Lets talk turkey. Since Logans birth, I’ve been avoiding any talk of his parentage. Just pushed that little issue under the rug. But, of course, it hangs over our heads like a cartoon question mark…some days more then others.

Directly after Logans birth, the next day, Brie’s doc talked with Brie and Carl. He’d seen only that Carl had been there every appt. and all thru’ birth and labor and his apparent interest and excitement. So he said, in regards to the blood test, isn’t Carl the father, period? More was talked over, but that’s the gist. Yes, Brie and Carl said and Carl signed the proof of parentage and the birth certificate.

Oh hell.

I love Brie’s doc and I knew his intentions, but oh so much there was he did not know. He hadn’t seen Chris but once because Brie had begged him to step out of the picture…and because Chris has been gone. He saw only that part of Carl. He didn’t see the addict behaviour,the deep confusion and fear he had.

Put plainly Carl is immature and in no way ready to cope with this. He has used at least 3 times since Logans birth, at least-those are only the times Brie knows of for certain.

Chris has called often, and more since Logans birth, asking for pictures and his mom and sister went to visit Brie couple times. From the pics Chris thinks Logan is his,so does his sister. His mom,like me, is just not saying much.

It seems impossible that Chris could be the father, given that it was one night, during a brief week or so that Brie and Carl had split up. But, then again, that’s how things go isn’t it?

So. What do I think? I think Chris is Logans daddy.

Now isn’t this a pickle?

To me Logan looks like a perfect mix of Brie and Chris. Chels agrees w/o a doubt. Steve doesn’t know. Just says Logan looks like Brie,which he does, very much.

Chris wants the test, I’m all for it. Good heavens end the wondering once and for all and then deal with it. Brie and Carl say no. They don’t want to know. But it is Chris’ right. I don’t care what the situation is, it is his right.

That’s where it’s at right now. I do believe the test will be done. Then we will know and that’ll be that. It has been, of course,weighing heavily on my mind. I want what’s best for that little boy and that’s that. If he’s not Carls, then he and his family will have to deal with it. Carl said it did NOT matter, HE would be a father to him/her, long before the birth. Now his actions are so far off, who knows. It changes everything. It’s just a mess now.

As strange as this sounds, and even with the Jerry Springer sounds of it,I do believe God has a plan here. We can’t see it yet,but I try to believe it will all work out. In writing this out,that belief has strengthened.

So, what the hell, I may as well talk about the other things on my mind too-perhaps it will help also…

Cont’d next page…