This and that

It’s been a couple of days since I wrote, guess I couldn’t think of anything interesting to say.   I am so enjoying these days of Brie’s sobriety I cannot tell you and it makes me feel at peace with the world.  The up and downs and the stresses when she is using are so hard to get through although I’ve come a long way in dealing with it and realizing it is her choices and I can’t control them.  I’ve learned to let go during those times, which makes it easier to deal.

I’m working on loving myself, something that isn’t easy after 2 failed marriages and an addicted daughter.   I seem to focus on my mistakes when I think of those.   I do a lot right and have done a lot right but that’s not what I seem to focus on even though I try to be positive in my daily life.  I have gotten a lot better and I give myself credit for that, I have had a lot to overcome and heal from over the past years.  Trying to stay positive is hard some days.  I have let go of much so that’s good, and I finally learned, without closure, that sometimes even good marriages fail. That was a tough one.  Even harder to accept than my first abusive marriage because I had my ex to help me deal with that.  Chels helped me a lot, so much I can’t even express it and she is always there for me as I am for her.  She helped me see that my ex is just not the same man he was when she was growing up and for the 22 years we were married. It’s hard to accept that someone you loved so much could change that much without some life changing thing, other than turning 40, can happen just like that.  My memories of him just don’t match the way he is now and even though I have accepted that it’s still hard not to think of them.  He helped so much with my Bi-polar and anxiety and depression, I miss that.

Rereading my diary I see I have come a long way in dealing with those things, a long way.  I have learned to cope and I am not nearly as up and down as I used to be.  I am on more medication though and it numbs me out, which I don’t like but it’s better than the terrible  ups and downs I went through in past years.  My meds for the most part level me out, but I’ve also gotten better on my own in my thinking and how I deal with it.  I used to have suicidal thoughts years ago and I can’t even imagine that anymore and in fact was surprised when I read about it because I had forgotten about it.  I certainly don’t have those thoughts anymore that’s for sure.  It  was weird reading about it because I tried so hard to stay positive and strong but my illnesses ruled over my mind in those days, thank God for my meds.

I do miss many things about myself in those days as I have written about before.  I wish I could regain those parts of me so bad.  I often wonder if it’s even possible due to the amount of meds I ‘m on, after all I’m so numb I can’t even cry when I would have before.  I wonder if I just cried myself out after Steve left.  My new psychiatrist and I are going to try and figure out what the culprit is, which one is making me numb, he said there are several it could be.  I imagine we’ll just have to experiment and take me off one and see if it works and then again if it doesn’t.  I really like him and I trust him, so far the changes have really helped, I think the wellbutrin has helped most of all.  I would usually be so depressed this time of year due to my SAD disorder but I’m not, even Chels can tell it’s helped.  I haven’t even had to use my sun lamp.  I have an appointment with him today and I am really looking forward to it, maybe we can start today to find out what will help.  It’s not that I miss the sadness that made me cry, not at all, but I even used to tear up at some touching moments on a show or whatever that I would have before or even laugh more.  I miss the laughter most of all.  I still laugh but not like I used to and that’s usually only when I’m with my family or talking or texting or things like that.  My laugh is different now and I hate that but that’s something I don’t think will ever change now.  No one has any idea why it happened or why I don’t sound or talk the way I used to.  I miss that as well, I even miss my old voice and how I sounded when I talked. I don’t even talk to myself as much anymore. Who would ever think I’d miss that ha.

My mind is scattered today I see as I write here.   Different thoughts and events are running through my mind and it’s hard to focus on one thing.  I was supposed to go out to lunch with Chelsea today but she had such a bad migraine she asked if we could do it tomorrow instead which was of course fine but that’s what I planned my day out so I’m at loose ends now.  I do have that appointment and there is also a party with entertainment in the community room of my building today that I could go to as well.  They are both at 2 but my appointment won’t take long so I can go down later and join the fun.  Also my microwave is dying on me and Chels was gonna help me with that because they’re so heavy so that will also have to wait til tomorrow, I hope mine holds out til then so I can make my supper.  I’m eating mostly frozen dinners lately so I need it.  I don’t remember when I stopped cooking for myself but I do know that cooking for one is not fun.

Well I need a fresh cup of coffee and I’m all written out so I’ll close.   Nothing really interesting in my entry today, maybe I can come up with more tomorrow. Have a great day!

Blessings,

Margie