…Sun, Cont’d

So that’s a biggy for me as you can imagine with the extra free time I have these days, yet unable to do the things I did before to fill it. I don’t think about taking myself off the meds. I did okay before I had Chelsea but her birth made some major hormonal and brain changes for me and my BPD worsened to an uncontrollable level that made life hell for me and hubs. So, no, not an option.

I used to write. I could tell stories and whip out pages no problem. I was one of those “I will write a book someday” people. No can do. I can’t seem to do it. Instead of flowing, my brain is stuck…boring. I’m boring. I’m scared to even try, truth be told the failure would knock me sideways.

*rolls eyes*

That vision is something I cannot accept. Being a coward to me, is worse then death.

So Marjorie what ARE you going to do about it? That’s my ‘talking to myself sternly’ name. *L* You do not know how’d I long to go off now on some train of thought re: that….I love to digress, especially rather then talking about my problems concerning myself. *hauls thoughts together*

I guess I could really try. I haven’t really done that. Not REALLY tried. Sat down, with that in mind. Ok, I can do that. I mean, it’s possible I could still write something right? Or at least if I got my brain going I’d think of other things. It could happen.

Another thing I will do is talk to hubs. WITHOUT bringing some madeup drama into my head over him into it. We’ll be alone this weekend and aside from the great sex we’ll have (hubba,hubba) we’ll have some time to talk. Well a little. *w* Mike and Bonn are coming over tomorrow afternoon to see Logan and the guys will practise, then we’re doing dinner. Sunday hubs is going to the Vikings game with some guys from work. Chels won’t be home until Monday. Oh-and me and hubs are watching Logan tonight so Brie can go to a show! Good for her and great for us. *w*

Ok. Enough for now. I’ve made myself discuss and think about this long enough. It’s a start and I really do feel better, lighter. (duh) Now if I just keep on with it and don’t sidetrack into other things and end up all tangled again.

As I said, Chels will be gone this wk.end. She is going with her best friend and her family up north. Breanna’s (isn’t that funny?) parents are going hunting-to which Chels is very grimly saying “They just better not bring any animals home with them…” She is not prohunting. At all. At 13, to her it’s flat out murder, hands down. I never liked it really, but grew up with it as a part of life and taught to respect all animals along with it. Anyway she’s looking forward to the wkend with Brea. Hubs and I get so excited about another wkend alone. *L* He’s been making ‘suggestive’ phone calls all week. He can make my knees weak still just with a word or a look. My kids would gag, but I kinda like it. Heh.

Brie has been so down lately. The only time she laughs and glows is with or about Logan. Her iron is low and she is tired and depressed. It worries me and makes me sad. She is not good about taking her extra iron the doc prescribed and unwilling to continue the Paxil-these things piss me off. Last night I told her that today was a new day. She WILL take her iron-I will call and remind her-and she WILL call the doc and switch to Celexa-which works great for me-and she WILL feel like a new woman in a couple of days. *dusts off hands* *nods*

Good Lord, if I am constantly involved in making her better how will I ever focus on MYSELF which I so love to do? *choke* She’d kill me if she read that, she hates that I worry and fret over her still. Like that’s ever gonna stop.

Oh man, I do have alot more on my mind I need to discuss. I really do, now that I think of it, have some valid reasons/things to figure out for myself. This bipolar has really messed up my personal life I can tell you that. For instance so many things I became unable to do, but now after a while on the meds am capable of doing again. I’ve just got to get over this horrid feeling of failing for the time I couldn’t do them…handle quite as much. I let hubs take over the bills for one thing, it was easier to let him do it and then keep doing it. Yet now I feel “stupid” and like I’ve been a dead weight. It’s a debilitating illness-yet invisible to others. That makes it tough. I’ve lost alot and really need to figure out how to get it back or mend it whatever the case may be. Talking about it has made me see it needs to be done and also to realize it’s not as bad as I thought. Thank you for listening.