Scaling Down

I’ve no business being here, and I’ll most likely get interrupted as I write-but my 19″ monitor that crashed was declared dead last week by the tech’s (R.I.P.) and so my darling hubs brought me a new one last night and I hooked it up today. I can’t seem to leave it, it all looks so wonderful again (I was using one of our old, old 13″ ones)! I’m waiting for Brie to call, I’m to watch my punkin head Logan while she groc. shops, and like I said, now that I started this the phone will ring-but here goes…First of all, thank you all so much. One of my noters wrote that she felt we were all thrashing this out around my table-and that’s exactly what I felt like after I’d read your notes. Like I’d just had a wonderful talk while having coffee w/ my friends. Your insights and thoughts have helped me as I’ve been doing some thinking on this matter. I did whip in and check my notes quick, I was looking forward to them, I already knew they’d help you see. Thank you. {{{hugs}}}

I could barely reread my entry-it’s embarrassing for one thing-a lot of you have already heard this from me…seems like I should *have* this by now. Well surprise. Abuse, the ‘gift’ that keeps on giving. Oy.

As pretty much all of you noted, it *is* like going thru’ my own situation again in many ways, watching Brie go through it. It hurts, its confusing, and it hurts to deal w/ pain from the past I’d have just as soon forgotten (and naively thought was gone). I thought I was so strong in this area while I’ve been building on sand, ever shifting. This will hopefully give me that opportunity to put it to rest forever. Deal w/ the last of it-or at least another large piece-for good.

I do not believe I have taught my children half as much as they’ve taught me. *s*

A day or two after I’d written that last entry, I had a meeting w/ Lorrie. Med check and such, so we went over this. She’s been concerned all along, as she knows how hard this must be on me-even tho’ I said, no, no, I’m fine w/ that part. *rolls eyes* She reminded me to *separate* Brian and Carl. And did that ever help me when I did that. ! Really helped.

For one thing, Carl is not as mean and cunning as Brian-that was just killing me to think Brie had to endure that, so realizing I was projecting (if that’s the correct word) Brian’s words and actions on Carl rather then how Carl is, helped tremendously.

Also Carl (when he’s there) is really a loving, enthusiastic, involved, caring, father to Logan. He adores that baby. Brian was never, ever like that. I don’t even think *hubs* was THAT adoring! For example, the other day I had to go to KMart for paper supplies, etc. and Carl asked if he could go along so he could take Logan and ‘show him off’. It was very sweet, you know?

There are a lot more differences also, I won’t list them all, but you get my drift here. And can understand why my load lifted, realizing these things.

Now if Carl could just *not* fall off the wagon for a bit-perhaps I could keep it clear! *snort* Sadly, the way that Brian and Carl are the same is the addiction to booze/drugs. If you don’t know, really know, someone with it then you’ve no idea how powerful that is over those that have it. That’s a heartbreaker and one I do still seeing my daughter having to deal with. Also Carl is not mean and cunning, like Bri-but he can be very manipulative and hurtful to Brie. She will have damage done, has already. Those are facts nothing will change now.

But Brie is smarter then I was, she knows more. She’s gone thru’ treatment, she has a closer, more openly supportive family in us and I pray that helps. Maybe she won’t be quite as wrecked as I was.

The relief of the burden I was carrying-that of Brie going through what I did-has lifted and what a tremendously freeing feeling *that* is!

It’s amazing really, how the old business of life-not dealt with-can make your soul so heavy. But heavy mine was. X 2, as I was carrying Brie’s also. Life is indeed a mystery to be solved at times.

Of course I still feel ‘sore’, a little bruised. It hurts hearing those words again, even in my head, even nearly 19 year old words. You know how you can always vaguely, in the back of your mind, remember hurtful words? Well this time, what with Brie’s situation, I could actually be right back there, in the past. In technicolor. *shudder* I don’t think I’ll ever forget the time Brian nearly strangled me to death. It’s just a memory now though, and has been for many years. But at first it was like I could still “feel” his hands on my throat. Feel myself sinking into unconsciousness, seeing the world going black. I would have to shake myself out of it, but still for the next few days, I’d sort of tiptoe around. That would happen until I’d dealt directly with it, then it faded, until now it’s merely a memory…faded and can’t hurt me.

Now it seems I’m in the midst of remembering the mental abuse like that. The mental, which is more cruel, for you can fool yourself easier that you’ve dealt with it. Just words right? And what did we grow up with? “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but WORDS will never hurt me!” *snort*

I’m here to tell you, so many years later, this is definitely not true. Because of course I believed the words Brian told me. I believed them before he voiced them. So they carried more punch. And isn’t that why they do?

I cried a little talking with Lorrie, I cried a little telling hubs about it later. I’ve cried a little every day, truth be told. It’s helped, because right now I feel like crying for the girl I used to be when I was in that situation. I believe that is the beginning of healing. Just like a broken bone, each time we heal we ‘reknit’ stronger then we were.

I have you all to thank for much of that.

Blessings…