Peace

Today I am thinking about that in going through my divorce was something I never thought I’d recover from.  The pain and heartbreak that left me on the floor crying and thinking that I wouldn’t ever find peace again but somehow I have.   Isn’t it funny how you can experience things or situations that are heartbreaking or stressful that you can’t imagine ever being okay again, then in a few weeks or months or years later you notice the days going by without thinking of those times. I can remember these times but now I laugh, smile, and go about my life stronger and happier than I ever thought I’d be again. Now although I remember those days but I feel at peace with my past and the memories don’t knock me down like they used to.  Now I realize I was as strong as everyone said I was saying I was back then and I did get through it and now I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.

I am at peace and I feel joy again, I love with all my heart and I’m so thankful for all I have and all I have had and all I will have.  Those are things I though back then would never come again.  I had to fight many times to get through it all and my peace is hard won but I did it.  I’m proud of myself  and that’s something that I am just realizing as I write in these pages.  Writing has always been a source of joy for me and although these days it is harder than it’s ever been I know that if I just keep it up it will become easy again.

I find it amazing as I write to know these things are true now.  It’s also true that I don’t feel the feelings as much as I used to but I know that’s because of my meds and not me.  Hopefully my doctor and I will find a way to balance the meds out so I’m not so numb.  He lowered one of my meds but then depression hit and I was afraid to mess with anything so I’ll try it when it’s truly past.  I feel so much better today even though we have a snowstorm coming and I am thankful.  Being depressed is an awful feeling and it takes a lot of work to get through it.  I have been reading “The Power Of Positive Thinking” and it has really helped.  I understand that the depression is a part of my Bipolar and it will take a few days or more to feel better and that’s not my fault but there are things I’ve learned I can do to help get through it and get me over the hump.  It’s still niggling in my stomach but it’s small and almost gone.  I’ll be glad when my sleep pattern gets back to normal as that gets interrupted  from the depression or anxiety.

It’s cold today but I am still going out on my deck because that always helps me, just getting the fresh air is so good.  The next few days are going to be single digits so it will be harder to go out there and I won’t as much as I normally do.  This is going to be a cold week but next week the days will warm to the 20’s and 30’s thankfully.  I like to go out once an hour, I have SAD disorder too so it’s essential for me to get that fresh air at least that much. Sunlight is always a bonus.

I am trying to stay in the present and not fret about tomorrow morning and all day long.  We are supposed to get enough snow that it will be necessary for me to go out in the morning and brush snow off my truck and then more snow that I will have to go out and brush off throughout the day.  I’m happy we didn’t get the snow they predicted for today.  Now that’s enough of tomorrow!

It’s time to get a fresh cup of coffee and go get some fresh air.  I take my coffee on the deck with me, I also have a neck pillow that I heat in the microwave so that’s toasty and helps fight the cold.   Have a great day.

Blessings.