Oh there I am

I just reread my diary back in 2008 when the kids were little and I was still married and then through the divorce and for the next 2 and a half years until opendiary closed.   Oh what a life we’ve had.  So good and so bad over the years.  I was so happy to visit old precious memories and it felt good to read through my divorce.  My heart broke for the woman I was then,  I tried so hard to be strong, brave and positive.  I so wish opendiary hadn’t closed, it and my friends on here back then helped me figure out so much and I really missed it and I wish I could have pinpointed when I got steered of track.

It made me realize that I have come a long way and that I’ve really done well considering all that I went through and all I’ve been through even after my divorce.  It made me proud of myself for the first time in a long time but  it also made me realize how much I’ve lost of myself.   The woman in those pages was so much braver than I am now.  But strangely it made me feel lighthearted reading it too. That woman is still inside me, I just have to find her. I hope that writing in here again will help.  I think it will.  I’ve just let life beat me down with all the sadness there has been and the stress as well.  I can get back to where I was, I just know it now.

Now I realize how thankful I am that I had 22 years of a wonderful marriage and I can say that even though my ex changed and brought such heartache for all of us.   When I reread it it also made me realize what  a happy childhood we gave Brie and Chels, and Logan and Jers when they were little.   Some people don’t get even that many years of a happy marriage.  But at the same time it made  me realize that my ex turned into such a mean, stingy, and uncaring man that he doesn’t deserve me feeling any lingering feelings of  love and sadness I feel for him. It set me free in a way.  I am thankful for that and thankful that I was able to read those pages and those years of my life.   I wish I could go back even further and reread that too but I don’t know how to search for that anymore.  The only reason I got to in the first place was that someone left a note on a very old entry and it brought me back to when Logan was 2 and then when Jersey was born and the years up until they were 10 and 6 years old.  That’s when opendiary closed.

Brie, Chels, Logan and Jersey brought so much and will always bring so much joy to my life.  I’ve told them all that again after rereading my diary.  I don’t think they can ever hear that too much.

It gave me so much to think about that I am still sifting through feelings and processing them.  I think it will take a couple days to catch up to the me I am now, I really do.   Plus I read about a few books that I read back then and I’m going to reread them too, maybe they will help me now as much as they did back then.

Thoughts are moving through my mind like crazy, and so fast it’s hard to catch them if that makes any sense.  I don’t want to forget them as the days go by.  Now I wish I had gone back to the beginning and started rereading from there, maybe I can figure out how to go back to those dates.  Opendiary is all different now.  I don’t even know how to post pictures on this one let alone go back to old dates.  I don’t even know if I could pinpoint the date of when I started.  I know I went through my dads death on here so I could at least go back to that date and scroll back from there.  Any help would be appreciated.

My mind is too full of thoughts to make any sense and I can’t type fast enough anymore to write them all down.  Besides I need some time to think before I write anymore.  So I will close for now, thanks for listening.

Have a great day.