More Craziness

So. I’m worrying. First and foremost I’m worried about that baby. Safe delivery, making sure he’s okay, Brie’s ok. Worried about being in the labor room watching her, yet excited about being with her too. Worried about dipshit being there. If I’ll slam his head into the floor if he whines. (yes)

I’m worried about mom and dad’s moving. Worried about Hubs reactions when Carls here. Then mad at hubs. The most important thing is Brie and the baby right? So tolerate the little jerk for her sake. But now I’m worried if *I’LL* be able to tolerate him.

I’m worried about the labor itself. Brie is so tiny, and what if her labors are like mine were? Sweet Jesus I hope not. Please no. I was a lot stronger then Brie is, physically I mean, when I had her and 72 hours of labor.

Oh I tell myself all the usual things to chill out. But you know how it is, the closer something gets, the harder that gets. In rereading this, it seems like I’m screaming, or panicking, but I’m simply calmly listing what’s on my mind.

I’ll tell you one thing, after rereading, I’m going to quit chewing myself out on top of everything else. I have enough right now to worry about. And worrying about everyone else too. Blow that. They can worry about themselves. I haven’t even listed everything on my mind, just the big ones.

To change the subject (you can thank me later) it is Chels’ first day of school today. She looked so cute, standing out there waiting for the bus. So ready for school and so ready for *sniff* 8th grade. (8th grade!?!) She is so good. She gets up and ready all by herself. I always had to drag Brie out. This morning, she was up before me, almost ready and she came in and said “It’s almost time to get up, mom.” So sweetly. I’m such a crab upon waking, but she’s just a sweetie. She makes me in a good mood. *s* Her open house was last week, so she’s all orientated and knows her classes. She’s in the honor classes and it sounds like this year will be a toughie. Her school curriculum is much more advanced then ours was back then it seems to me. I started Algebra in 9th grade, she started last year. Her’s was Pre Algebra, but still…Anyway she’s off to another school year. It is good to be back to normal in that area. It’s nice to have a normal area.

I have cramps, so I’m PMSing too. Duh. Just realized that. No wonder I’m a tad on edge. I prefer to blast myself first, then ask why I tweaked later. Sigh.

Oh, I didn’t tell you the latest on DS…OK, Carl. He got fired. Yep. Last week. We think (Brie and I) think he failed the routine drug test. He’s claiming another reason. Plus now he’s decided that he’s going to sober up (again) and he’s going to AA and all that. Yeah right. I don’t believe a word of it. He’s just kissing up, little liar. She wants so badly to believe him that she does, or tries to convince herself she does. Well I don’t buy it for one second. He just needs a place to stay. And no, I’m not ‘giving him a chance’. Screw that. I’ve given him enough. He can prove it. Anyway that may help you see what tipped me over the edge on him. He’s been there (at Brie’s) all the time. It’s just awful, I never feel ‘free’ to go see her now. Last night she asked if I could come over and help with something (today) and that Carl would be gone. That made me sad. Then mad. She knows how I feel so she knew I wouldn’t want to come when he was there.

But that is not how it is going to be. That’s why I have to get a grip. It does absolutely no good to hate Carl. None. It will make Brie feel torn for one. It upsets me to hate, and especially to hate who my daughter is with for it can change nothing. Will change nothing and eventually I will be the loser and see Brie and my grandson less if I let that rule me and keep me away. Besides all that, he’s not worth it.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to go over to Bries today, when I know Carl will be there. I’ll be pleasant (if I have to bite my cheek off) and I will smooth things over. That little punk is NOT going to interfere anymore. He’s simply not worth it. When he shows me his tattoo (‘cuz he will, he is dumb as a post. Intelligent, crafty, but NO common sense) Then I will tell him, Don’t. Do not act proud over something that made my daughter cry for 3 days. Then we’ll be clear on that little subject and it should be fine.

Well there. That makes this ‘open mouth and blurt’ entry worth it. Sorry you had to ‘listen’ to it though. Course I guess you could’ve scooted on out if you’d have wanted, hey? In that case, thanks for listening.

I’m breathing normally again, and we’re back to our normal broadcast. (for now anyway. *w*)

Ta.