Howdy

Someday I shall write titles again. Maybe. It’s kind of nice not to have the stress of that. Heh. Well *whining* someday’s it’s hard!! *grin*

WOW. I just jumped about 2 feet. I slept in today, love that snooze button, and didn’t roll out ’til abut 8:30.  Went downstairs had coffee, watched morning news, etc., messed around then came up here about ll. Ok. So I’m sitting here writing merrily away and hearing someone come in behind me (quietly) I start wondering how Chipper got in here as I was sure I’d shut the stairway down-turned around to ask him….and there stood CHELS grinning at me. I didn’t even know the child was home! She was supposed to be at school! As soon as she laughed at me-jumping 2 feet in the air- I could hear why she wasn’t at school. Very hoarse, coughing. One of those woke up with a cold thing’s.  But man! *pats heart* I am just too old for that kind of shit. 

Anyway, she’d woken up with such a bad headache and hoarseness (I don’t even know if “woken” and “hoarseness” are words…well they are now) that hubs told her to take some advil and go back to bed. They are so quiet in the morning, I never hear them, so I thought they both, quietly, had left. Of course I could sleep through an earthquake, but that’s neither here nor there and I don’t even know why I threw that in…but I did. ANYWAYS, I had no clue she was home.  Sick. Poor child. You would think hubs could’ve left  me a note. Hmpf.  I could’ve checked on her and stuff. Done the mom thing.  But no, poor child, sick, left alone. I could’ve left for heavens sake! Men. Oh he shall hear of this. In detail. I already know he’ll say, “But you NEVER go anywhere in the morning.”  Huh. That’s not really the point is it husband?  No. A mere diversion tactic.  And a pathetic one at that. In fact I should call him. But no. I’m really not so mad now that I’ve bitched about it. It can wait.

Well now, after all that excitement, I’ve totally forgotten what I was going to write about in the first place. *tapping finger on cheek* Think, think, think. Nope, completely gone.

I’ll just ramble. (like I ever do anything else???!!) So I’m taking these new meds now. Seroquin or some such thing. For sleeping. It’s actually a med for psychotics. Oh, how lovely. I’m bipolar…but I take meds for seizures and psychotics.  Uh huh. Why can’t we have our own meds? I’m neither psychotic (well, most of the time I’m not *snort*) nor do I have seizures, yet I take meds for both and that helps my BP.  Wierd.  Anyway the meds are GRRREAT!  You know how when you’re really tense and you take a good drink of a liquor of your choice and it goes right through you, you can feel it relaxing you immediately? Well that’s what these babies do. Feels marvelous. Of course you don’t enjoy it for long as you then fall asleep…but still…it’s great to fall asleep that way and I’m sure I sleep better.  At first I was tired all the next day and thought I’d skip ’em, but common sense prevailed and I continued. Now I’m ok. Nice to have sleep. It does feel good. Well whadda you know. 🙂

Well crap. I’m out of coffee here. BRB.

I have to say,  this is odd, writing here at this time of day. Usually I’m here in the evening.  But I’ve been so tired lately I just end up not writing. So I thought I’d try it during the day. Of course I’ve been interupted 17 times and now hubs will coming home for lunch (which he rarely does). I remember now why I don’t write during the day.  Oh well, at least I’ll be able to chew him out for the Chels incident. But still, isn’t that just the way? It is for me at least. If I plan something, I can count on being interupted. A lot.  Sheesh. No wonder I’m in a pissy mood by evening. 

I’ve been feeling so out of sorts lately. I’ve attibuted it to the loss of my dad, which I haven’t fully accepted.  But I had some (rare) time to think last night and it’s that, plus the other changes. The kids moving in, for one. I resist change. I’m not a good changer. Nosir.  And it’s automatic. I don’t even think about it nor realize I’m resisting it. I just do it.  And before I know it, I’m feeling out of sorts w/o a clue why.  One would think, that after so long, I’d recognize it. But, no. One of those vicious circle kind of things. 

The thing is, I hate when I do it.  Because when a person resists change, of course, they never change and grow and learn.  What I do instead of those good things, is be cranky. And crankier. And soon, Ms. Cranky of the year.   Dumb, dumb, dumb.  I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do about it now that I’ve realized it. Because this time, the change, with my dad, is pretty damn huge.  And I hate it and no way in hell do I want to accept it.  I’ve heard it said, many times, that sometimes people hang on to their grief because they are afraid if they let go it shows they didn’t care enough.  I don’t know if that fits. Everyone knows how I loved my dad. But I do feel that letting go of my grief equals letting go of dad-so I don’t want to do it.  No way.

But I feel so strange. Like I’m living in an in between world.  I can “hear” my dad. His voice telling me that I know better and it’s time to move on now. To “Quit now.” In that swedish/norwegian brogue. *smile*  I try to be cheerful and loving and all, but it’s getting hard because of these feelings.  But at least I know what the deal is now. I’ve also accepted that I have to do something. That’s a positive step. 

The other, with the kids moving in, well as soon as I realized what I was doing, those feelings of tightness were gone. Poof. Just like that, by the realization.  That’s a relief.  I was expecting Brie to be just like me. Demanding it.  And she’s been trying her hardest to do so, and to please me. Sigh.  For one, I don’t want her to be just like me. I am a mess at times and have screwed up over and over.  Plus, she’s 20 years younger.  She’s not supposed to act like a 40 year old!  I did that, I think, because I wanted no more change, no strife, no trouble. NOTHING. I had all I could handle on my plate with missing my dad and trying to deal with all that had happened.  

Whoooaaa. I better continue this on the next page…it’s getting loooonnng.