Cont’d..

The other issue is Steve and I. As I said earlier he tends to be a workaholic, puts way too much time and energy in his work. This job, being the window and siding manager of a large company, it’s easy to do so.

I, at heart, am a loner. Perfectly content to occupy myself and in fact need large blocks of time to myself. I seek no one out, I’m terrible that way, but have always been such.

Therefore as hubs devotes more time to work, I devote more to the girls or simply amuse myself. Who knows which way it starts, but we grow apart. When we eventually argue about it, each of us say it was the other that started it. Sigh. If I had a dollar for each time we’ve had that same damn argument…

After we’ve had time to think about it, I think it just may have been me…and he’ll think the same about himself, we talk again and all is well. Until it happens again. Gets longer each time, but still happens.

HOWEVER, I am different this time. I am, in a word, nuts. Seriously I’ve popped a cork, slipped a nog, whatever.

Earlier I mentioned, by nature, my sister is possessive and I am not (as much)? Well, that was used to be. I don’t know if it goes along with the turning 40 thing, like my new craving for snickers or chocolate of any kind…my BPD acting up…other little things to tedious to mention…or what. But all of a sudden I’m Mrs. Possessive. Do you watch Friends? Picture Ross with Rachel.

Before I’d hardly noticed it happened, 2 things happened. In our nightly before dinner/after work chat, hubs mentioned telling Tami (his secretary) about a dream I’d had the night before that had cracked hubs and I up. I didn’t find it so funny he told someone else tho’ and it was unlike him also. He kinda laughed while telling me, I did not, I asked him why he did that? It then occurred to him, he really shouldn’t have and he said “I don’t know..?” Then he said he was sorry and that was that. But I kept thinking about it.

I asked him later, where were you talking about this? Does the whole office know? No, he said, at lunch. WHAT?! You and Tami were at lunch?! Well yes, he said, looking at me, he and Mark and Tami went out to lunch most every day…I knew that. Sometimes it was just Tami and him, mostly Mark and Tami.

The hell I did buster. I flipped right out, and we had a doozy of a fight. I still get pissed thinking about it. He now eats something at the office-and he’s tickled pink because it enables him to get home earlier. To which I silently think, “Duh.”

The thing is, I’m acting like a jealous wife which is not usual for me. At. All. First I flip over the keyboard player. Then this. (Naturally he brought that up in our fight. Butthead.) Pissed me off because it was true. *snort*

Now Tami? Or is it work in general? Mark? Who knows??? I like Tami, don’t know Mark well, but Tami and I get along great. She’s never once acted or seemed inappropriate to hubs or him,her. But I know she adores him, thinks he’s the best boss ever. And her husband can be a real ass at times. (Can’t they all?)teehee

Hmmm, I guess that bugs me. I mean, here’s me, involved with my kids and life and yes, I adore my husband, but hell I don’t spend every minute telling him. Nor will I. He wants someone hanging on every word, go get her. Screw that. I’m not competing for the love of mike.

Oh yeah,did I mention I’m a titch arrogant at times? *blushes* When I told my husband that, he laughed, hugged me and told me HE adored me. Obviously he likes that little aspect so I guess it’s ok. Says he loves having a spitfire for a wife. The man does love me, this I know, so why am I freaking out?

Well, for one, I know that love and marriage take work. Obviously I do believe I’ve been neglecting hubs…enough to worry me that he may look and find attention else where. Has he ever? No. But there’s a first time for everything.

Also,hubs had been neglecting me for work. When the siding division got dropped on him, more then doubling his work load-he was putting in more hours to get it on track and some kind of handle on it all. All I heard about was work, work, work. He was stressed out. Big time.

Of course it would all eventually blow. We usually have a very close relationship in all area’s. Physically and mentally. When that falters, we both get ‘out of kilter’. Our worlds being ‘off’. We adjust it for a while, then we get into it. Doesn’t take long.

When I worked, hubs would get bothered. If one of the guys took me out to lunch as a thank you or something. He’d get, well he’d get pissed. He’s always been possessive,but not in any overpowering way. When I reminded him of this, then he ‘got’ why I was pissed and felt horrible. Said he would just eat in the office. But it had just never occurred to him, he said, because there was no remote possibility I had anything to worry about. Ever. With anyone. At first he found it funny, until my anger struck him. Then he was mad. I can’t blame him, I would be too. But then again, he’d be pissed too. Sigh.

So anyway, he’s being a doll. Even more attentive, work has found it’s correct position in his priorities again, and all is well. Except I cannot lose this anger. And it’s irrational. It’s my OCD. I’m obsessing. That has got to be it. I know I have nothing to worry about. I know this in my heart, soul, everywhere…Don’t I? *thinking about this again* Yes. Unreservedly yes.

Hubs and I are one unit, I do not want him ever having any kind of any close relationship with anyone but me. Ok, a good buddy is fine, as long as it’s male. Anything else, no. He feels the exact same way. Intellectually, I know, I feared this was happening with Tami because of his over involvement (to me) at work, which she was a part of. That’s what bothered me, be it her or anyone else there of the female persuasion. That’s all. I should have made that clear…I did not imagine/fear any physical involvement. BUT that’s what often follow’s is it not? That did enter my mind.

So didn’t I overreact? And aren’t I doing so still? Hubs and I were talking about it, and he did laugh sheepishly, saying “Babe, I’d be worse. I honestly did not think of that, but now that I have…” But yet, he can let go of things…

AHA! That’s it! My lightbulb moment!

I have a hard time letting go. Always. I overanalyze, etc. A lot of the time. That’s what I’m doing, and yes, my OCD is coming into play, but realizing this, I’ll be able to control this. Oh, talk about a load off. I sincerely thought I was losing it. Turning into my dad, my sister, my brothers…something uncontrollable, you see?

Whew!

Oh, and don’t worry. I’m arrogant, but no fool. Heh. If you ask me, any woman who adores your hubby ought to be kept ‘in sight’ whether I like her or not! And any husband who falls for it, ought to be smacked upside the head with the old black frying pan…that said, you have no idea of the relief I’m feeling that I haven’t turned into some overpossessive twit. Watching Home Improvement last night, I wondered anew, as normally I am like Jill. No, hubs is NOT like Tim. But it did magnify my worry, which is why it was on my mind again.

Now I feel silly writing all this, you’ll think I’m mad, or hubs is some romeo guy. But, as always, I find the aspects of relationship interesting, so I’ll leave it in case anyone else does too.

Humans. Just weird at times. *w*

Ta for now…