Bad Idea?

I went back to 1999 on my diary and I don’t think that was such a good idea.  Too many struggles and heartaches we went through.  I did have so many friends on here though and  it  was so great reading their notes, and made me feel grateful for them once again.  The friendships lasted for years, right up til opendiary closed and I made more as the years went by too.  I was so lucky to have them all.

I should have left well enough alone as I felt good reading the parts where my grandson and then granddaughter were born and the years that followed but reading back further just made me sad.   My oldest daughter was the one that I focused a lot on in my entries because that’s when her addiction started.  How I managed to raise Chels is a miracle as she says she had a wonderful childhood even with all that going on.

Oh how I fought to stay strong in those days and my noters  had nothing but admiration for me so I must have somethings right but my entries seemed so mixed up and jumbled to me now.

My entries were long and full of emotion, words I don’t have anymore.  Or at least the ability to write them out anymore as I struggle just to write an entry now when before the words flowed through and out of me.  I hope that comes back the longer I start writing in here  now that I’ve started again.

I’m not sure what I’m feeling today, too many emotions running through me, the main one is sadness for some reason.  My diary back then had plenty of good times and the love we all have for each other shone through all the time so those are good memories for sure.   My bipolar is much better today than it was back then, my how up and down I was!  I’m thankful it’s better even though the medication has numbed me out in a lot of ways at least I don’t go through those terrible times when it got so hard to handle, especially because we had so much going on in our lives.    Right now I have a pit in my stomach though, why exactly that is I don’t know.   I should be proud of how well I raised my daughters to be the great people they are today.  Yes, Brie still struggles with addiction but even so she manages to hang onto her loving personality and her generous spirit and when she’s sober she’s awesome, just as Chels is.

This morning I woke up to a snap of my daughter Chelsea with hearts around her beautiful face and the message was “I’m so thankful for you”.  What a wonderful  thing to wake up to.  That girl makes my heart and soul smile.  She is beyond wonderful.  I love our relationship, mother and daughter but also best friends.

In other news, I am still navigating  my way through all the changes on here.  I wish they hadn’t changed so much, it used to be so easy to use.  For some reason the pictures I posted back then didn’t show  up as I read it this time, I know they did then because of my noters so it’s odd.  Also the names of my noters didn’t show up a lot of the time either.  I don’t think that can be fixed.   It’s still easy to write but my notifications don’t always work, like I’ll click on it but it just takes me back to the main page.

I haven’t written in days because I’ve been rereading and man there is a lot to reread!   I also need to catch up with  the new friends on her that I follow, I’m looking forward to that.   I think I’ll go do that right now as a matter of fact.

Have a great day.