1/6/2003

What’s strange is, when Brian would come home drunk, or find me, I wouldn’t be scared. I fought back. I didn’t cower and take the hits. But I *feel* like I did. Why is that? I became scared, scared that one time he’d just kill me dead. That I wouldn’t be able to do anything. After I had Brie, I quit fighting back that way. I did everything I could not to make him mad, and I planned how to get away. When I knew he was drinking (small town) I took Brie and we left. Went to my sisters or somewhere where I knew he wouldn’t come. I left him when she was 3 months old. Then again for good just after she’d turned 1.

Is that when the fear began taking over? When I planned retreat and ran instead of staying and fighting? I suppose. The thing is, it’s not like Brian came home every night or even every month, violent and angry. It would be months, a year. But it only has to happen once or twice and the fear pervades you, the uncertainty is almost worse sometimes. *shudder* Now that I think of it, I think that’s what I hate about myself. That I did not leave earlier. Dare to leave earlier. But I’d seen him enraged. The man would look, act, BE evil. It was pretty frightening. When he told me he’d kill me if I left, I believed him. You bet I did.

But now when I watch a stupid show like that, I think, “just leave him woman, kill the bastard, something! He isn’t going to get better.” I have no patience. And I was *there*! Sometimes I feel compassion, but mostly anger.

I think I felt I could control the situation enough. I could fight back, get him off me, or I’d kick him in the balls to knock him down and I’d run like hell. In the morning, he’d be sober and either totally contrite and aware or totally contrite and not ‘remember’. *gag*

But I was strong. I’d been raised raising and riding and training horses. I was very athletic and active all my life. Brie has no strength. That scares me to death.

Can you imagine how terrified and sick to my stomach this whole thing makes me? How effing hopeless and incompetent I feel?

And now we have our precious Logan. Some nights it’s just impossible to sleep and my stomach churns most all the time now.

But then I’ll be confused. Carl is a lot like Brian, but he’s not Brian. Brie tells me a lot, Carls never yet threatened or behaved like Brian did in other ways. Brian had the mental abuse down pat. Sober or drinking. Carl doesn’t do that. Believe me, I watch for it.

Aha! Lightbulb moment. I just realized something. I hate myself for believing, Brians mental abuse. For letting that control me. The physical never did, well except for the one time but since I was nearly dead I don’t blame myself. (charitable of me, don’t you think?) That’s it and that’s what’s messing w/ my head now, I’ll bet.

And that’s why the physical abuse stopped too. He saw that wasn’t getting him anywhere. It pissed me off. But he did get me to ‘cower’ w/ the mental. Scumbag. I hate that I let him do that. I hate that I didn’t see it. I hate that I let him talk to me and manipulate me and scare me to death. damndamndamn

This may sound extremely stupid, however, I believed it was the physical abuse that had messed me up so bad. So I guess I focused on that. One time, a few years after hubs and I had been married,we had a terrible fight-prob. our worst ever. He raised his hand, he had one finger up as he was making a point,but I just saw his raised hand and he’s much taller then I and I hit the floor w/ my hand over my head. Shocked the shit out of both of us. He gathered me close and cried – I was flabbergasted. Oh,and mad. Very mad, at myself. It blew me over that I didn’t instinctively fight back, but rather hit the floor crouching. I vowed to get over that right there.

That I did, but I lost sight of the other for the most part. I learned about it, sure. How it happens, why,etc. But I didn’t learn to not hate myself for it.

There’s more to learn then, and I’ll learn it. Enough of this, this junk is nearly 20 years old! Life is good, I want to enjoy it fully. Speaking of, I’m calling Brie, I need to hear her, and I need to hear Logan say ‘hi’ to Grandma. *w* That baby’s better then any drug for sure! He’s laughing now. Brie called me night before last, Carl had Logan laughing! It was adorable, and I cried. *L* Well, he’s just growing so fast you see?

Thanks for listening.