The Curse of Sexy Janie

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For the record this is a two part story, so the last entry might help make more sense.

 

 

For days after that night with Janie I would run up to peoples cars and yell "guess who did the dirty with an old lady!!!! This guy!!!!". Just the people I knew not strangers. My buddy had called me at some point though the week to come down to Richmond for a foot ball game on Saturday.

 

I wake up Saturday morning go to the bathroom and I’m having trouble taking a leak, so I’m telling myself I really didn’t have to go to the bathroom. I hop in the shower and I’m sudsing up doing my shower thing. I for some reason start examing myself. Now I’m not the kind of guy to go crying in the shower, as a matter of fact there has only been two times, this was the first the second I had a tick on my nut sack that had been there for 3 days. Anyway I examine my crotch and I find a bunch of little red bumps. I felt like someone had poured a bucket of ice water on me I was gasping for air and crying and shit. I was in the shower for at least an hour and a half talking and crying to myself. I hear my phone ringing.

 

Finely I get myself back to pieces and answer my phone. It’s my buddy "where the fuck are you dude" I was running late, in a weird frightened voice I said "you remember that old lady I’ve been bragging about? Well I think I got myself a STD" and he says "go get some damn ointment and come on there’s tail gating to be done".

 

When I finely pulled myself completely together again I hopped in my truck and prayed all the way to Richmond. As soon as I pull into the apartment I walk in the house and say "I think something’s wrong" walk to the bathroom, and pass a kidney stone like a champion. So at least the no piss problem was solved. I walk out all pale and sweaty and my buddy says "you good bud?" I say "yea I think so, might have caught something from that old lady though (half jokily but completely serious)" he says "get some ointment and get in the kitchen we have things to do.". So I suck it up and put on the "I’m here to party face".

 

We make it to the game where I’m supposed to be taking pictures and I can’t focus or do anything right. All I can think about is porking Janie and getting some fucking STD at the point where I’m just starting to figure this good time party life out. Everyone kept asking me why I was so moppie and I just answered with an "I’m not feeling well" or some other bullshit answer.

 

Later that night we end up at my buddy’s brother’s house, we’re all wasted and my buddy has his dog with him. If anyone has a dog, then they know what fake fetch is where you through the ball but there is no ball, well we’re playing fake catch. I would through the "ball" and then he would though the "ball" and his dog would run back and forth. Well we’re about 40 pitches in when I wind up and pitch the ball and his chair implodes to nothing. I’m pretty sure you should hear me laughing a block away.

 

Some chick ended up over at my buddies brothers house, and my buddy was putting full court press on her, she wasn’t bad but she wasn’t good either, one of those ya know. Well to make a long story short he ends up sleeping with her on an air mattress that has a leak. I’m in the same room due to it’s a small apartment. Every so often they would make some kind of sexual noise followed by a curse word about the mattress leaking air then I would drunkenly giggle into the night, then she would whisper "is he a wake???" my buddy would say "no he’s a sleep trust me" then I would drunken giggle even more. Not gonna lie, it got real weird real quick.

 

The morning rolls around and my buddy’s ol girl is about the roll out so my buddy and me go eat the ass end out of a Chinese buffet while we’re sobering up and making fun of ol girl "is he a sleep" "no, he’s giggling dumb ass, what do you think?". When I eat enough to puke I roll out toward home.

 

A few weeks go by and still the red bumps are there, I’ve pretty much talked myself into being a monk for the rest of my life. When this chick happens to step into my life. Things developed quickly and before long she wants to do the dirty. This is the point where I have to look her in the eye and say I can’t because I’ve got something going on in my crotch. It’s also about the time that I’m starting to think about going to the doctor.

 

so I let another week or two go by because I’m a slow little scared bitch like that and I call up my buddy and I’m strait up tell him everything about the little bumps and shit. He tells me to get my ass to the clinic. So I call this clinic about a hundred or so miles out of town and get myself an appointment. I hope everyone knows you can’t go to a clinic in a small town because it doesn’t matter what you have you’ve already got something terrible in their eyes, and everyone knows everyone.

 

I snow up at the doctor’s office looking like a thug over weight under tall basket ball player with my ball shorts and skull cap with a bill. I sign all the bullshit forms. An hour and a half later they take me back and I have to show my junk off to the beautiful lady doctor that I happen to have. In about ten minutes I find out I have a case of weird jock itch which is common in babies and the elderly and was most likely caused when I didn’t take a shower right after doing the dirty with that old lady. The doctor says rub some cream on it and it’ll be gone in a week or so. MOTHER FUCKING BABY JOCK ITCH!!!!

 

on the way home I was praying to everything good and holy my thank you’s and my I’m going to straighten up and fly right spill, called my buddy and ol girl up and told them about the "MOTHER FUCKING BABY JOCK ITCH", they were happy, maybe not to my extent but still. I use the cream the doc gave me and behold a week later I’m clean and healthy. If nothing else I got a clean bill of STD health. I honestly don’t think I’v

e had a bad day since, just saying…