Fighting…

We fought into the wee hours of the night last night. I laid there nearly emotionless as she screamed at me about how much I don’t care. She got out of bed to pack her stuff, screaming “this is real, this time it’s for good!” I remained silent. She ravaged though her small drawer of underwear stuffing them into a large suitcase, begging for some kind of acknowledgement from me. Still nothing. Soon the bed room light went off. I felt her crawling into her spot from the foot of the bed. A weakened voice said “do you want me to leave now? or tomorrow?”

I laid there silently thinking “is this what I want? Kinda, maybe? I’m just so tired of the arguing, and those bullshit problems she has with everything. Am I being cruel? Do I care about her? I just want to be with someone who can be my partner in crime. I need someone who isn’t angry about everything. I want a friend to explore with. I want a soulmate. I’m not sure this is her.” In a shrill shape tone she screams “well… aren’t you going to say anything at all!” and I reply with “I’m not making you leave, that’s your own decision.” I left it at that. I listened to her whimpering in the darkness. At some point she rolled over close to me. I decided to wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. I felt her tears running down my chest. the lump in my throat was almost unbearable. I told her what she wanted to hear. I’m not entirely sure if it’s what I wanted to say, but I said it anyway.

I’ve let my wants and needs in relationships go the the wayside before. I refuse to do that again. I can’t help but wander if I should have just let our relationship die last night… I’m all about 5th or 6th chances I guess…