This is to Amber

I guess I wanted to make it more public than private cause private and secretive and underlying and underneath and in the dark or closet or wherever is not somewhere this should be because historically, secrets are bad bad bad. Because Teen Open Diary has been the basis to our epic for years and if ever something should be documented, I suppose it is that.

You are right, I never wrote in this diary about Seattle, I never wrote about those few days and I guess I didn’t do it here for the same reasons I AM writing here now. So you can see, and so she can see it.

There has been seperation, loss of touch, lack of sameness, lack of conversation. Partly it is because there is more events occupying units of my day, yes, and partly because making a transition from someone you were once smitten with, sleeping with, to someone you are simply friends with is kind of a lot complicated, especially when there is another whose feelings are affected by my feelings, conversations, opinions and overall contact with you.

and that overall contact I speak of has been minimal. I guess its for selfish reasons, as always. Keep things running smooth. What is far away, I realize, requires more effort to keep afloat than what is right in front of you.

This is not me blowing you off. The lack of phone calls and internet convo is not me making a decision to cut ties with you. I guess I just need some time to get my emotional shit together. You have clarified your intentions with me and I believe you when you say they are not of a romantic nature any longer and that you simply want that friendship that was once had. I do believe that we could still be friends without any romantic involvment, though I am not so convinced that Sacha feels that way. And even with no romance involved at all there will always be jelousy issues. I cannot change that.

So it goes, or has been going, shitty. I guess with this, with what has happened, I ended up hurting you. hurting Sacha. and I dont know what to do to stop hurting both of you. I would like to find that middle ground where all three of us can be friends like we were before the sex, before the politics of the sex. I want to keep you. as my friend. as a friend to both of us and I will try, difficult as it may be, to make that happen.

Things are changing. changing, changing, changing and I suppose they cant ever return to the hours of phone conversations had but I’m confident we could create something new, different, better and agreeable to everyone.

I don’t know what I am trying to say. I don’t want to say “I’m sorry” because I’ve said it so many times that now I think I just sound stupid and say it for lack of something more productive to say. I just want you to know that there are reasons. Reasons I’ve not been around, reasons for the lack of contact. I don’t want you to think that I just don’t care. I do.

I hope I’m not just being naive.