stupid sappy self stuff

there is this song called “parasites” by ugly casanova and you should get it. ugly casanova is isaac brock (of modest mouse)’s old side project band.

This is important.

things things things that are

important.

or not important. not at all.

It has been just recently that I feel my life got faster and more complicated. What with job which requires time and my sudden urge to care about school, along with social life that has crept up and reminded me that human contact can be enjoyable and needed for emotional health and overall well being. Run on sentences make me wet.

I feel like maybe I am a bad person who makes bad decisions and I often prefer sending out invitations to a fat pity party rather than dealing things out like a crisp deck of cards.

I inhibit an attitude that sounds mostly like this “fuck it”. While this attitude I believe makes me “cool” in many respects, when it comes to personal relationship and responsibilities the “fuck it” attitude can be somewhat harmful. destructive. careless and restless and faithless and ohhhhhhhh man fuuuuuck it allll.

maybe its the drugs. maybe the drugs, though I hate to bash my beloved pot&booze in anyway, have fucked up previous aspirations and affecter my personality in a negative way. perhaps the fact that I am almost always distorted by liquor or other forms of drugs directly correlates with my lack of drive and caring.

or maybe my problem lyes in that last paragraph in which I attempt to blame poor actions on something other than myself.

I am a bad person.

I am not really a bad person.

I have historically been very sexually irresponsible.

Hey, haven’t we all?

Self analysis requires belief of self importance.

Sometimes I don’t like to talk even when there should be communication. If I am feeling what one may call “feelings” I’d much rather remove myself from that situation which causes these “feelings” and, you know, go for a walk. go for a drive. sit on the steps.

I like to deal with things by not dealing with them. How cliché, childish, not to mention what I believe to be, though this could be a generalization and you know how mrs. sisulak feels about them, a primarily masculine problem.

or maybe it was just my own father who was always like this thus I have simply adopted his trait as well as the belief that ALL men are like that.

lets take it a step further and blame my homo status on that as well.

sometimes I’d like to rip out the throat so they’d all shut up.

perhaps the “fuck it” attitude could be beneficial for everyone. whatever happens will surely happen and in most situations I have found that things don’t hardly ever work out shitty. they usually just work out.

And more importantly, I can’t leave notes in The Merry Fikus’ diary.