self loathing loves you

I’m getting tired of saying ‘fuck it’ when it comes to everything in my life. fuck it, I’m young, I can decide what to do with my life in, say, three years. fuck it, it’s only twenty bucks I don’t have at all even a little. fuck it, I can take a semester off, I don’t have the money or the time. fuck saying “fuck it” when it comes to things I should be doing cause omgwher is my mind rite now

for christmas I will go home and everyone will be like

so, jaime, what are you doing with your life?

and I will be like

where’d you get that martini?

slipping slower into the genre of smartdonothings who are smart but, essentially, do nothing. and whose to even say I’m “smart” that word has taken on a completely different meaning in timez lyk these.

Things I Don’t Want to Do

1. go to a community college for years and years never actually obtaining any sort of degree due to my math incompentence.
2. work as a dog groomer with a bunch of people who suck and don’t care about anything
3. go to a community college for years and years and get an academic certificate in women’s studies.
4. go to a community collge for years and years
5. work
6. never do anything with my art
7. never do anything

and as I make my way over to the bar where I spotted that martini I will get excited, as only a martini can do for me.

the girlfriend has a “career”. she is business minded and goal oriented. she could be a motivational poster at the telemarketing company where I used to work.

what is the first step to doing what you want to do with your life?

is it college? cause, for me, that feels. empty.

maybe it’s writing. probably not. maybe it’s liquor. it’s probably pot.

sometimes I can’t feel anything anymore, not like before. Sometimes I stare at my vomit and wonder what the fuck… what the fuck… what the fuck is all this? I don’t know myself hardly at all, we sit at seperate ends of the bar. I’m being dramatic. I don’t let other people get to know me because I don’t think they want to. and usually, they don’t. because someone would much rather talk about how Brad is going to move out and totally fucking break their lease and then where will the baby sleep?… then, you know, whatever it is I would say. which would probably be

hey, did you see who got voted off America’s Next Top Model last night?

No, no, yes yes, I am cool and all. in some respects. and I dont hate myself all that much. only, you know, sometimes. like the rest I guess, like the rest.

I look better lately. physically, I mean. sometimes I see someone look at me like they hadn’t before. and sometimes I feel sexual like, in touch with my body sexual. like, I could flirt with someone if I wanted to kind of sexual. and sometimes I feel the opposite.

christmas is pretty. cynic or not. and I like to shop cause I never do it.