goodbye small hands

I’m not into it anymore. nothing anymore. I’m not sure where anything is anymore, but then again I always say that. My girlfriend and I sit at the kitchen table over a fully stocked pot box and talk about the things we dont like about each other. she tells me I’m selfish and I’ve heard it before. I tell her she’s needy and she’s heard it before. I want to do things beyond where I am now, at least a little, and she tells me I can’t. I want to feel things I’ve never felt before but not at the expense of her feelings. she wants to feel something soft, something comforting to spoon her piece of mind until she’s content, and maybe I can’t do that. we’ve molded into two seperate people with one collective outlook and attitude and from here I see nothing whole in myself. from here all I see is a partial something of someone I could be or might have been. I dont know what is right, really. I don’t. I dont know if I should live accordingly, if I should live and do as I please, as I want and as I need to in order to fulfill whatever void or hole or emtpiness thats attatched to my body, or if I should live according to what OUR relationship needs, and live the way she deserves. I don’t want my relaitonship to be a succession of comprimises and doings of things we don’t really want to do. I don’t want to LIVE in restraints when what I feel for her should be entirely freeing. and so we sit at the table and we don’t smoke any of our fully stocked pot box, and she tells me not to go without her and I tell her that I want to and she tells me that that’s selfish and uncaring. and I guess it is. I don’t want to make her feel anything short of fucking wonderful but I don’t want to make myself feel anything short of…. ANYTHING. and the things I want are not tainted with infidelity or distrust, the things I want are not infused with any form of dishonesty or lust for another. people live in these relationships that turn like the clock by the hour and I still only want to go to bed with her at night. but thats not enough.

relationships. fascinating creatures, entities all their own. yours has always been especially intriguing since day one. still is, but since shit went down im reluctant to really ask… anything. secondhand accounts of each of your opinions confuse me as to how the each of you feel, but maybe it isnt my place to try and understand something so intricate. you are both my friends, though, knowing

i dont really recall what i was saying with that last word. maybe it was that youre both my friends but in a totally different way now than before. so knowing intimate details mightnotbe so plausible. now, everything seems incredibly different, and i guess thats time’s mandate. im rooting for you. for both of you. for your contentment, fulfillment, happiness. however that may come about.

not much anyone can say in situations like these and seldom does anyone expect someone to utter those magic words to fix it all. ive learnt much about relationships frommm you two as a relationship conglamorate so i feel i owe something. feel ive taken something as well. man. well. may the fates be on your side.