drug binge

I am not an unreasonable person and I feel I know my limits. Perhaps this is what addicts say.

Lately I have been doing a lot of drugs. I enjoy drugs. I enjoy stimulation of any kind and if it is in artificial form I dont so much mind. did that just rhyme? ah, doesnt matter. maybe I’m a burn out. a fuck up. one of those chicks that is always like “oh man I was soooo fucking fucked up…” at the start of each inarticulate story I tell. maybe it’s not like that.

the last two days I have partaken in a number of drugs- to the point where today, when I returned to work, the feeling of sobriety was somewhat foreign.

my drug binge began when I returned home from work Monday evening. I had sold pot to a co-worker and along with the twenty five dollars she gave me six somas and a tiny, white pill with instructions “take this and smoke a joint, you won’t be able to move”

We planned to attend a gathering at a beautiful home in scottsdale with a marble kitchen and two welsh corgies. I took the tiny white pill before leaving and when I arrived started drinking beer. we hung out with two guys, one was horribly intelligent and attractive and funny with this charisma and wit you only find in kevin smith movies. I think his name was Matt, but I could be wrong.

Later we drove to the homestead and I took my spot in the headmaster’s chair and continued to drink and talk and laugh with the girlfriend. the pill made me feel heavy, wobbley. more talkative. the girlfriend brought out a tiny mirror of coke, left over from a looooong time ago. I drank more. Breezy and Jane and roommate Jennie came over and I was at a trilevel of fucked upness. I smoked pot. I drank more. My body was beyond me, I couldnt get a steady grasp on it. It was away from me. I passed out in the chair and I slept there until the wee hours of the morning when I awoke with a sticky mouth, fully dressed.

Tuesday brought not a hang over but a package of shrooms sewed into a stuffed monkey, sent direct from seattle. After a satisfying and much needed lunch out, the girlfriend and I set up the home for shrooms and invited over B&J to join in the festivities.

We ate them, sat around in a dim living room and giggled. I enjoy shrooms, the high that comes from shrooms is absolutely euphoric. The carpet creates lines and images, your body tingles with a steadfast high and there is a permasmile splattered across your face. we talked and drank water and I positioned myself on the floor and continuously tried to freak myself out in the bathroom.

by the evening time the shrooms had worn off. our bodies were hallow and tired and stretched, something only one thing could cure

more drugs

that morning B&J had purchased ecstasy from an asian girl called Noy. The pills were tiny and yellow with a superman symbol on the front.

perhaps enough is enough. but is it?

we relocated to B&J’s apartment and each took the tiny pills. I had never done this particular drug before and felt that my brain was still swollen from the shrooms. I did it anyway.

I sat in the corner of their couch indian style. they turned out the lights and I watched them partake in activities that you are supposed to do on ecstasy. light shows, techno, vicks, pacifiers. honestly I thought most of that was sort of silly, I didnt get it.

I didn’t move. I didn’t want to. I wanted to melt into the couch and live there snug and warm forever. I drank water and kept my hands on my knees. the room got blurry and skipped, just like a CD skips. and there were so many questions “how do you feel?” “are you rolling?” “is your mouth dry?” I didn’t know what they wanted to hear so I just said I was appropriately fucked up. the girlfriend rubbed my arm and I was like

fuck thats nice.

and the conversation turned to politics and I was like

fuck this is sooo nice.

and there was shitty music on and I was like

man, this is so great

and I laid deep into the couch and everything was just fucking wonderful.

later, after our peak, we left and showered and had some amazing sex. then we slept. and the drug binge ended.

all I do is indulge. in drugs, in sex, in food, in general. I consume, I stimulate- I don’t know my limits and I like everything in excess. I am young and reckless and careless and I don’t know how to change that. I am a very small girl and I cuss a lot. I don’t know when to quit, I don’t know when too much is really too much. I think I can handle it, and essentially I do.

everyone has their vices right? some people shop. some people eat too much. some people murder or masturbate or clean. my mom always says “anything in excess is bad”

today my heart was beating faster and my head was working slower. my vision is still altered and my body is so fucking tired.

never again. unless applicable.