ugh
I started this because I have no one to truly talk to. I know it sounds pathetic. But its true. I have been fucking up so bad lately. failing on all fronts. im under so much pressure that i feel like im going to explode. so here it is, no judgment please. my husband and I are currently talking about divorce. through my entire marriage I have felt like he was controlling, he wouldnt let me hang out with my friends, he had to have my location and the code to my phone, and he traveled all the time for work leaving me home to care for out 3 children. Through those times I caught him talking to another woman once on social media and then he admitted to having an account on a cheating website where he said he didnt talk to any one. now fast forward to now, we have been talking about and planning divorce for about 4-5 months now. I made friends with a man who i didnt tell my soon to be ex husband about well he checked my phone records, called the other guys number and bam no he knows i have a friend i didnt tell him about. we have been fighting for days about it. I keep saying how we are separated and I didnt do anything but talk to him and he thinks its a huge betrayal. But with all that he still wants to be with me if I drop my friend thats been helping me through all the trails of the past few months. I still want a divorce, and I dont want to drop my friend. but I dont want to hurt my soon to be ex husband any more than I already have. im so lost.. ugh
on top of all this im sick at the moment still taking care of 3 kids and trying to work, I just got this job and I only have 3 months to prove myself so they offer me a permanent position which i desperately need since i will be getting divorced. guys i feel like my life is exploding and I dont know what to do.
should I just forget the divorce and stay in it for the money and my kids, letting him control who I talk to and what i do even though Im not in love with him any more?
should I just say fuck it and try my best to keep this job and try to live my best life raising kids on my own (mostly) even if I have to worry about money and?
Should I feel bad for having a friend I didnt tell him about? is that a betrayal? am I crazy for thinking its not that big of a deal?
one last note I want to add to show how fucked up i am right now, not that I need to add this but hey why the fuck not im already airing all my dirty laundry out there… I have been self medicating, drinking more than I should (on the weekends and never in front of my kids) and using weed edibles (again never infront of the kids) as a crutch to numb myself from feeling anything.
Does the controlling husband know you take medications, drink and smoke weed when kids are not around?- that sounds better betrayal to me than a friend. It counts, as kids do not go with their mother, in case of divorce, by default.
@sjboxoffice I have a medical card, so yes he knows about that. I dont smoke ever I only use edibles, and I only use them at night to numb and sleep. I only drink on the weekends and yes he knows about that also. my point wasnt that he didnt know about those things my point was that i use them to numb myself from the situation. I dont abuse them. I just numb myself when Im alone.
Warning Comment
This idea that you’ve hurt him isn’t real. It’s an axis of his control. You having a single friend isn’t hurtful and the attempt to make you believe it is is just another facet of how he tries to control you.
Divorce. Get free.
Warning Comment
“im sick at the moment still taking care of 3 kids” – you need to talk to professionals.
You do not sound good…I’m sorry for saying you this, but maybe if you hear it by a total stranger what means having kids you can still HEAR IT.
“IS NOT ABOUT YOU”- is the first thing that counts in raising them up. For good of your kids, I hope you’re soon to be ex, sounds like he is in an emotionally better place than your self, in a parenting role… Wish you luck, and think about a word that sounds really BAD “SELFISH” .
Is it a Selfish person that did not found an adequate partner to raise kids with- or ….?
@sjboxoffice sick as in, i have the flu. and still driving kids to dance class and karate class. he could help but chooses not to. I get what you mean, but I dont think its all about me. not in the least.
@sofuckedup you definitely need help- 1 friend will not change anything. 1 as no one.
The life of your kids is at risk, at least from the flu, if you drive them sick from flu -…don’t keep that to your self. Is about them.
I’m not a parent my self, but my partners did always have kids (must be that’s why I did not have that instinct having mine) I notice one thing. Having chilled makes you chiled. And you sound you emotionally reach puberty. Adult puberty, where your kids might suffer. No one blames you for rediscovering your personal- changing your emotional state, you definitely need to acknowledge that. Now if I read what’s written- is not 2 options at all there. You should newer suffer raising kids or picking in between your own life and them. Is just the founding way how will you make that possible. 1 friend is not enough, you need more friends.
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