my online romantic.

I’m one fourth of my way through college. I can’t believe it. It doesn’t seem like one of the best years of my life. Part of me doesn’t want to go back. Not just to my college, but to college in general. I feel so useless and aimless, like a dustbunny that’s done with under the bed and wants to BE in the world. Unfortunately a college degree is a necessity.
But less on that now.

I am one of those girls, now.
I met a guy in an online chatroom. It was a shady chatroom where "asl"s are thrown around like ten dollar bills at strip joints.
I go there rarely. Usually when I’m bored, it’s late late night, and lonely.
I’m safe. No real names, ages, cities.

Tonight the moon thought differently.

Tonight, I was Penny. He greeted me "Hello, Penny". No ASL in sight. I make up stories with my fake names, new identities.
"Is your name Penelope?"
"No. Just Penny. My mom said I was lucky not to be named nickle or dime." The fake mother’s warning falls easily off my fingers. It’s almost fun.

But within minutes we’re talking about real things.
He sends me a youtube video of him salsa dancing.
He says he’s from my state (I hadn’t told him where I was from).
I tell him I ballroom danced in high school. "That makes you 10 times more beautiful."

We’re flirting
and I mean it.

Inevitibly he pressures me for a photograph. He’s from my city. I say no.
He sends me songs. "Listen to this song. Maybe it will change your mind."
I say that pictures don’t matter.
He persists, "Theres just something about you.."

I envoke Say Anything, "I feel like you should be outside my window, boombox on your shoulders."

I tell him that my name isn’t Penny. But for now, it is.
He says that’s ok. I find him a picture.

I don’t mean to regale you with the line by line idiocy I just participated in.
But I felt like it meant something.

He saw my picture and followed it with "I know you’re not going to like this. But, let’s have a conversation. Over the phone."

This is one thing I refuse to do. Not only am I afraid of phone conversations (it’s a problem), but I don’t give out my number.

He sends me the song "Ladies and Gentlemen We are Floating in Space" by Spiritualized. The lyrics:

"All I want in life’s a little bit of love to take the pain away
Getting strong today, a giant step each day.

I’ve been told only fools rush in.
But I don’t believe…
I don’t believe…
I could still fall in love with you.

I will love you till I die
And I will love you all the time.
So please put your sweet hand in mine
And float in space and drift in time.

All my time until I die, we’ll float in space, just you and I
So please put your sweet hand in mine
And flaot in space and drift in time.

I’ll love you to death, I guess that’s what you get
And I don’t know where we are all going to.

Love don’t get stranger, it is what it is
And I don’t know where we are all going to.

Everything happens today and that’s what you get
And I don’t know where we are all going to "

I told him to email me and I signed off.

I feel stupid. Like my friend that disgusted me all year for fawning over every man she saw.

But I feel like there’s something about Max.
I’m willing to brave my future-self’s distain for this moment. Even present-self is beginning to see the fog lift and the stupidity roll in.

still,
i find myself checking my email minutes after i signed out of the chat.