What Could Have Been, Not What Was

I realized something yesterday.

I was reading old emails from my first boyfriend, Smiles, and the exchange of sentiments was BEAUTIFUL. It almost brought me to tears of joy that I was privileged to have experienced that. How had I forgotten? The e-mails were able to put me back in the middle of it all and feel momentarily satisfied with the experience.

I realized that I’ve not shared that sort of want, desire, affection, nor intimacy and expressiveness with anyone in that way since him. It was exactly what I wanted then, what I still want now, but just didn’t happen at the right time. My dad was sick, I was naive, he was my first boyfriend, I wanted to explore,  I had no job, etc. etc.

So….i know what I want now and I’m absolutely ready for such a thing. 

And in regards to the whole Jibby thing, i’m not upset over losing what we had.  What we had was not love nor was it great.  It was nice and had potential to be great if both parties were fully engulfed in it, but I was alone wanting to make it fantastic. I’m upset over the idea of losing out on what we COULD HAVE had, but since we didn’t have it…there’s nothing to mourn! Right? Right.

Much Love To All My Readers,
The Insightful Rose