The Spin I’m In
My head is spinning, and I have to do something I haven’t done in almost 3-4 weeks now. I have to make the effort to control the spinning. It only began yesterday, and hopefully (God willing), it will only last until today.
Due to circumstances yesterday that I am in regret of today, my conversation with Windblown took on such a 360. For the last 2 weeks+, we have shared meaningful conversation every night with interesting facts and details about our lives and the individuals we believe ourselves to be in comparison to who we really are. We’ve even gone as far as detailing the people we’d like to become. We’ve shared childhood stories, wants, desires, hopes. Last night…very little of that took place, and no fault of his own.
Him: I took on delivery’s tonight just so we could talk.
Me: Wow, you might be disappointed.
Even when he was in Vegas, a setting for reckless fun and constant drinking/partying, he admitted to wishing to speak to me from the comfort of his hotel bed rather than going out to meet the other 9 guys he’d gone out there with.
Him: I wish you were laying here next to me, so we could cuddle.
Me: You’re supposed to be stuffing dollar bills down the backside of a stripper. What is wrong with you!?!
Of course, due to how lightly I’m taking him, I told him I’d made the decision for him and he was NOT going to lay in a hotel bed in Vegas speaking to me, when he could do that any other night in the future. He toyed with the idea of my meeting him out there. I hope he was kidding. I think he was kidding. Though he did continue to kid well into his second night there. Truth be told, had my family reunion not been that weekend, I may just have been that spontaneous. It might have been the spark we need to get this fire going.
I’m sorta frustrated with him. He’s moving at such a snails pace and I can’t understand what it is. He has a particular defensive wall that he has even admitted putting up for me to break down. My response is: "That’s great. You should guard your heart, cause if not you…who will? But I’m pretty damaged too. So I’m not here to save anyone." My frustration climaxed last night when for the first time in weeks our late night conversation was "blah" at best.
Earlier circumstances that took place during the day and into the evening left me feeling mighty confused. I know I’m ready because I was the first person to admit for a long time when I was not ready. Nor did I think I would be for a long time. But no one was more surprised than I was when my recovery seemed to be in full speed. So here I stand, prepared for something fresh and novel and while he is attracted to me, while it is apparent he finds me interesting enough to speak for hours on the phone every night, he’s not manned up to admitting that something more could take place between us.
Him: I’d be lieing if I said I don’t like you. Your loveable.
Me: Good, then why should we make you have to lie.
The frustration of his delay was a killer for me yesterday evening because I feel as though outside influences will soon start to play a role in making me feel unprepared, when I truly believe I am in fact ready.
He needs to act now. Otherwise, this hump that I’m just coming over is going to resurface and it’ll be a series of "blah" conversations till we both give up. I know that he knows something was up, because our conversation lasted a half hour at most and ended before midnight when I requested we speak the following day because I was "tired." And I was..tired that is, because another force had drained me that evening. Another energy had sucked from me the life and vigor I’ve had for the last month.
Back to square one.