More Than A Memory

I just suffered a great loss about 5 minutes ago.
I lost a friend. I didn’t lose her unto death.
I lost her because I can’t love her the way she’d want me to love her.

She sent me a voice message. She sang to me. I didn’t even know she could sing. "I Can’t Make You Love Me." I’d noticed she’d deleted her myspace, she’d been keeping her distance, but I allowed it because I was trying not to be selfish. Even when I needed her advice on recent events, I went to other sources so that I could give her space. Well, turns out she’s decided it is more than just space she needs:

Excerpt of text:
"I can’t deal. My heart couldn’t take the pain and rejection. So I’ve taken my life back. I can’t be your friend. In doing so it would it would have been a friendship full of lies and hidden feelings resulting in more heartache and tension. So in the end I hope you find someone who knows your worth as I did; someone who genuinely loves you inside first and then out, as I also did."

I think her decision was a smart one. I think that no one knows her better than she knows herself. While I’d like to reach back out to her and say "it’s okay, we can get through this, I can help you." I know that in retrospect, I wish QuietChaos had saved me so much time and allowed me to sever ties long before we finally did. I know the kind of tug-of-war love can be. I know what I can and can’t feel towards her, and I know how good she’s been to me, and how evil it would be to keep her in my life, knowing and having experienced the kind of pain she’s facing.

I honestly didn’t know I had it in me to cause that sort of pain. I remember asking God, during my QuietChaos to find me someone who would love me the way I was loving Quiet. I asked why someone couldn’t feel that way about me. I suppose I had to be more specific.

I mean, here in fact you have it, a tug-of-war: The Queen loves UpChuck. The Rose loves The Queen. J loves The Rose. Windblown says The Rose is "Special." Alicia misses Upchuck. Okay, so Alicia doesn’t really play a role in all of this (note: Alicia is imaginary, in all sense of the word), but all the zigs, the zags, the connections, and the strings attached, and you have to wonder why any of us is so god damned confused!?!?! So, The Rose cuts her strings with The Queen. J cuts her strings with The Rose. What does that leave us with?

An ideal situation: Upchuck The Queen, Windblown & The Rose.

I’m "special." So he said.
I needed to feel special.

Most mornings, when I wake up a little less than chipper, it is his good morning phonecall that puts that smile on my face and gets me through the day. I’ve been waking up to him, and going to bed to him, but herein lies my dilema: everything in between is fuzzy and certainly not consumed by him. It’s a weird, never before experienced, sensation. When he lets down that guard, when his voice takes on a tone that registers as sexy and I know is being used to relay a message to me that he’s taking another step closer, then I want it. Then I want him. It is in those moments I say "ahhhh, there went my stomach. That’s what I’m supposed to feel."

I don’t call him.
I don’t text him.
I respond….I’m not there yet.

He keeps pushing for that to change. It is my way of not getting too comfortable with things, because at this very moment, if he turned to me and said "I’m not into this," or "I met someone else," I’d look him right in the eyes and say "okay, thanks for your time." Because I feel that way, it makes me think that I’m just not that into him. Or is it my defenses? Did I cut too closely to the heart when I severed my strings. Should I have burned the ends?

I can’t.
I can stay away from her, lord knows I can. She knows I can, but I can’t burn the ends of my strings.
Every day reminds me how I truly loved her. Regardless of my not ever wishing to stand in that sort of fire again, I loved her. I love her. I will (as I once before said), probably continue to love her, short of forever.

Who the hell is she to think she can give me relationship advice?
I asked her again to leave me alone mostly because I know that if we push this idea of speaking to one another too soon, even on a platonic level (which is insane – I don’t want platonic, we deserve more than that), we’ll never have the opportunity in the far future to really be able to love one another again. I want to love her again in that way I did before there was the unequivocal passion we share. A special love. A forever love. An innocent love. How come I can understand that I have to exchange missing her, and biding my time for us to ever have a chance at any relations with each other.

The exchange of time does not even guarantee a positive outcome. It’s not negotiable. It’s real life. She could move so far forward that any thoughts of me become fluid and flush her body with the passing of time. The same can be said for me. Best I can do is hope.

I was glad she missed me, but I was equally glad when she told me she was doing fine. She’s in good hands. I love her enough to want her to be okay even if we don’t speak….and I’m content knowing that the both of us, despite the explosions, followed by the debree did not walk away burned. We were bruised, but we weren’t broken.

Much Love Always,
The "Special" Rose.

I dedicate this to you, that you may know what my hope is for the future. I hope to meet you sooner in our lives rather than later when you’re happy and I’m happy and we smile because we shared something as crazy as that which we did. We turn to our lovers at that time as they ask who it was we just ran into, and we say: "An old friend." Because no matter what direction I head in, my heart will have a trail that leads me back to the love we shared. That love will act as my guide. You see, I found nothing wrong with our love, it was everything else that made it impossible.

And if that doesn’t happen. I have the memories, but you’re more than just a memory.

Old friend, here we are,
after all the years and tears
and all that we’ve been through.
It feels so good to see you.
Lookin’ back in time,
there’ve been other friends and other lovers,
but no other one like you.
All my life, no one ever has known me better.

I must have traveled down a thousand roads.
Been so many places, seen so many faces,
always on my way to somethin’ new.
Ohhh, but it doesn’t matter,
’cause no matter where I go,
every road leads back,
every road just seems to lead me back to you.

Old friend, there were times
I didn’t want to see yo

ur face
or hear your name again.
[ Find more Lyrics at http://www.mp3lyrics.org/t8f ]
Now those times are far behind me.
It’s so good to see your smile.
I’d forgotten how nobody else
could make me smile the way you do.
All this time, you’re the one I
still want beside me.

I must have traveled down a thousand roads.
Been so many places, seen so many faces,
always on my way to somethin’ new.
Ohh, but it doesn’t matter,
’cause no matter where I go,
every road leads back,
every road just seems to lead me back,
every road leads back,
every road just seems to lead me back to you.
Every road just seems to lead me back to you.