I’ve Strayed Too Long

I have strayed away for far too long and now I must suck it up and make my return.

It is difficult to write to myself (and to whoever still reads) and share with you all that I am still single and that I’ve lived more of my life outside of relationships than in one. While my current goal is to do the "alone" thing with a more positive outlook by myself, and for myself, I do find there is a sense of my own cynicism that comes through when I try to explain my own personal journey to others.

At the very least I’m admittedly single for GOOD right now. No more back and forth, up and down, and side to side with Jibby. He and I danced around the idea of a relationship for much longer than I should have allowed.  To be honest, it is not his fault at all.  What person do you know isn’t going to partake in anything that brings them pleasure when they are being given permission to do so? I allowed him to fiddle around with my emotions for as long as he did. Of course, in a Utopian world, he would have had a better sense of propriety and would have chosen not to behave in such a scumbaggy way, but this is reality. The reality is that I gave him all the permission in the world to treat me like I didn’t mean anything to him except act as a figure to quell his boredom if and when it arose and to act as his consolation prize when things weren’t quite going his way in life.  Those days are gone. G-O-N-E.

Now I use my energy to find inner peace and to welcome the solitude and quiet moments.  A few months ago, this task was easier than baking a T.V. dinner! I was so busy I had not a moment to dwell on any lack of human connection from the opposite sex. I had work, and school (I’m still chugging along in my MBA with only seven classes left to finish up), and volleyball, and Zumba, and a community theater show, and family, and…oh…I think that’s all, but more than enough. I was busy every evening out of the week. Saturdays I reserved for family and relaxation, and Sundays belonged to God and domestic duties. 

However, now, with the show having ended (although rehearsals for the Christmas Musical in which I am currently playing the lead will pick up pace soon), sitting out the volleyball season, and not having been approved to take on Saturday classes (thus sitting out this semester), my free time is evident to that inner voice in my head that whispers often ‘now what? Fool.’ That inner voice is VERY harsh on me sometimes. That voice often feels like a virus that has infiltrated my inner computer system and wants to infect the rest of my systems with its seemingly normal codes that carry harmful messages. It is that voice that I am fighting.  It is that voice I have to convince of the benefits to being single, having moments of silence to focus on my true desires in life, having time to place an emphasis on my character and ways to grow, live, explore, learn, and build a solid foundation that can support any other relationship structures whose building dates are to be determined. So I am. Trust me…I am working on it.

Work is work. My mom hates when I use that expression every time she asks, "So how was work?" Work is work. I don’t live for my work. I work to live. It will remain as such until I’m able to find myself in this world and find the thing that brings me the most pleasure, but still allows me to pay my rent, phone, and grocery bills.

I am still involved with the same community theater that I mentioned in my entry dated 5 months ago. This time I’ve been given the opportunity to play a lead. Leaving vanity aside, and not at all trying to seem overly confident, I knew it was only a matter of time before they saw my passion and my capabilities.  And so they have, and now I must own up to their expectations. That does scare me, but everyone seems to have the utmost confidence that I am quite capable of handling this, so I’ll piggy back off of there confidence and positive energy.

There’s some stories to share, which I think deserve entries unto themselves and so I’ve decided I’ll have to come back in here tomorrow to tell you one of the few stories, and then return the day after that to share some more. Perhaps I’m just leading myself into writing again and using these "stories" as an excuse, but truth be told I don’t like having gaps in my diary. I like going back in time to read who I was and who I’ve become and I don’t take a liking to the periods that have gaps and untold tales, or tales that don’t seem to weave together somehow. So tomorrow I will come back to tell you all about DirtySurfer.

Following DirtySurfer, I’ll discuss S&S (short for Stop&Shop) and my new found relationship with my sister!

It’s good to be back folks, I’ve missed you all.

With Much Love Always,
The Return of the Rose