Dear Smiles

I won’t subject you to any more of my insanity.  I realize time and time again that the reason I reach out to you is solely to feel less horrible about the situation we encountered with one another so many years ago.  You’ve made it plainly clear that you have the strength to abandon all thoughts that involve me and I could not be any more jealous than I am at this very moment for your abilities.  It is inevitable for anyone who shares 10 months of their life with another soul to think about that person now and again.  However, you’ve remained so very true to yourself and eliminated the source of what was once your pain. 

I keep justifying my reaching out to you by saying I need to know you’ve forgiven me for my insecurities and my dishonesty. That’s not true. I reach out because I made mistakes and I’ve always secretly wanted to take them back.  I also used to justify what I’d put you through by claiming "I didn’t do anything wrong, I never cheated. I didn’t sleep with any other men (or women)." Someone shared with me once the following: God does not look at the man who commited a murder and tell him that he is pardoned of his sin because the man behind him committed 9 more murders than he. Sin = Sin, and dishonesty is all the same.  I was never straightforward with you enough to allow you a faith in what we shared and a belief in the words I would speak.  It was okay for me to be uncertain about the direction our relationship was taking and even a bit skeptical, but it was not okay to want the best of both worlds and string you along my unclear path.  If I had truly loved you (as I sometimes feel strongly that I did), I would have made the better decision for the both of us and made it clear that with so much doubt and uncertainty a defined separation was necessary.  Instead, for months we floundered around in shallow waters always thinking we were too deep to swim properly. 

I’ve always secretly thanked you for the love you offered me. Though not present today, I will not bring myself to believe it wasn’t present then.  Your love was a very safe and secure kind.  Having gone through another kind of love, I began to appreciate that which you bestowed on me.  I’ve not, to date, felt more certain that someone wanted to be with me than I did with you.  I blame all the risks I was willing to take with you on that feeling.  I never really considered there would come a day when I turned around not to find you still standing there.  It is only now, 4 years later, that I consistently look over my shoulder and realize how incredibly wrong I was. 

It was broken.  The relationship we shared was broken the moment I took it for granted, and I broke it.  Granted, you and I together could have made the reparations necessary to fix it, but neither of us felt a need to work so hard.  I am sorry about that now, but I don’t blame you.  The individual I was then, was not worth working hard for.  You pulled through as long as you were able with as much as you had in you and for that I am thankful. 

What is such a pity is that in reflection of who I’ve become and the person you displayed then, we would have more incentive now to work it out. That is the burdone I live with.  However, time was not on our sides. Time never seems to be on my side judgeing by the situations I’ve encountered for the better part of this year. 

Needless to say, I’ve always pondered about your life and in what direction you are headed.  I promised myself one day a few years back that I would never give up my fight to win back a friendship with you.  In this very instant, I understand why I have to throw in the towel.  I realize how much of a fool I’ve made out of myself, and what uncomfortable positions I’ve probably put you in.  I am aware that you’ve respected yourself in a way I’m not quite sure I have ever allowed myself to do.  With your pride and dignity in tact, you did us both a very big favor and you walked away and never turned your head. 

I never thanked you.  It was always so hard to do when I’d felt very abandoned and rejected.  So, it is only now that I can say "thank you," for not wasting your time on the person I was.  Thank you for not placing us in a sort of relationship purgatory.  Thank you for being the strong (stubborn) individual you were, and thank you for being the first person to truly show me the effects of "love."

Sincerely,
Monica

To My Readers: Folks, keep in mind this letter did not actually go out to him. This is my own therapy.