A Friendly Confusion

"….be still my beating heart"

Ugh. He’s still present in my life. It’s not a terrible thing, but I know it’s bound for failure.

We cleared the air recently about what was actually meant by what he said.

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That was written some time ago, considering that he, [Jibby], and I no longer are in communication with one another. That does not mean my heart doesn’t yearn terribly to call out to him, especially during a 3am thunderstorm that kept me up half the night fully worried about his well being. However, I could not pick up the phone to call or text and find out if he was okay, because I promised the both of us, this was over. So I was strong and I lay in tears from 3am-5am just asking God to keep him safe during his deliveries and to get him home in one peice. It wasn’t until 7:30pm the following evening I could relax my shoulders and be at ease when it was evident he was okay because he had signed onto aim.  I was proud of myself for having been patient, and not reaching out as a desperate attempt to hear his voice, or laughter, or share some stupid news of the day with him.

It all just feels so unnatural. I don’t feel like this decision to stay away from him is the right one, but I know it’s supposed to be considered as such, so I go with it.  I just feel so unlucky in relationships. Just when I’m ready to give it my all and give to them all the best parts of myself, it’s at the same time they give up and rather pull the plug. It happened with Smiles, and it happened again with Jibby. However, with Jibby it feels different. I can’t think of anything, even now, that I would have changed about him. Not even any of the aspects that others will deem as less than favorable. I can’t say the same for anyone else I’ve ever shared a relationship with. Smiles had too many insecurities and nuances, Tsunami (aka The Queen) had a completely flawed character I felt needed tons of remodeling. Don’t even get me going on the many things I would have changed about SingerLover, but Jibby….he was just right, just as he was.

However, no matter how perfect you might see someone, and no matter how much you may care for them (or dare I say it love them), they have to love you back to make it actually work. It’s just how it works.

And I can’t argue with a statement such as, "I just don’t want to," when asked: "If all the components of a healthy relationship are present – physical attraction, mental stimulation, enjoyment of one anothers company enough to sit day after day for 6 hrs in a vehicle together just talking the night away, then why don’t you want a relationship with me?"

And really, I’m not in denial folks, I know it just comes down to that simple catch phrase: "He’s just not that into you." But I’m still allowed to hurt over it aren’t I? I’m still allowed to question if I made the right move giving up on what seemed hopeless.

And as always I won’t pretend and deny myself the satisfaction of knowing I loved someone yet again. Why lie about that? It’s a beautiful thing to know that my heart, no matter how many times it’s smushed and scarred, will inflate all over again to let in the emotions of love for someone new.

Like I said to him, "this wouldn’t be so hard if you were a rat bastard. It’s because you’re a good guy that this doesn’t come easy."  I seriously believe with every bit of my heart that I could have taken all the necessary precautions to make sure he was as happy as he could be because doing that would have made me so very happy in return, but the issue stands with the fact that I am not the one who can make him happy. That right and that privilege belongs to another whom he will soon enough choose above all the rest. Rest assured I’d have given up a lot to be that one.

At night, I go to bed and I lay my head upon my pillow, facing the empty side and say in a very soft and loving whisper: "Where you are is where I want to be, but since it’s not what you want, let this silent prayer reach you that I love you, I hope your safe, and I hope you think of me from time to time." That’s all.

I asked him if I’d fall into a category of woman that he doesn’t even think about anymore. He gave a very sure shake of the head, "No." Then asked if I needed examples. I told him to humor me and he came up with a few. Not enough to make me feel better of course lol.

I’ve spent long enough time writing about him in this diary and I promise not to spend too much more. I did want to compile a list of all the things that remind me of him to get it off my head. Besides, in a few years time I will look back and be okay with these reminders. I might even welcome them and will myself to recollect moments we shared. As of right now, however, I wish someone could sell me some magic fairy memory dust to sprinkle upon the memories in hopes of making me forget.

This Is How You Remind Me:

When I get locked out of my apt.
Jack Duggans
Big Bear Hugs
West Wing
Heart – Alone
90210
Almost anything 80’s
Delirium
Bowling
Taco Bell
Skiing
Soul Cologne
Snuggle
Gyros on 53rd and 6th
My couch
Flicking my cigarette (he taught me how)
Classical Music
My Accounting class
The Gym (weight lifting)
Spanakopita (first dish he made me, only dish he made me lol)
Ricotta Cheese
Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla coffee
Parliament Menthol Lights
Lincoln Town Cars (white)
Maximas (black)
Meany’s (but I don’t have to worry about this one – nowhere nearby it)
Washington DC
Buffalo
Blistex
Hooters/Buffalo Wings
Bowling Shoes
My slippers
My bed (sometimes, not always)
My salsa
When my curly hair smells nice
My Lolita ("Apple Jacks")  Lempika perfume…..
….which I’ve since tried not to wear until I can forget lol
When I smile sometimes
If my phone rings past 1am

I think most of it is out of my system now. So I can get through the rest of the day.

School is moving along nicely. I’ve not run into any trouble I could not handle. Work is boring, monotonous, and frankly, I’m not working very hard at it. It sucks, because it’s not that I don’t want to…with this job I just almost don’t know how to. It’s the complete opposite of anything I’d wish to be doing and with school and life as it is, there are too many easy distractions. I will hopefully change that soon enough.

Just for the record, I am attempting to date, I have been since my last entry since he and I were not together and merely "friends," but I’ve ceased sharing in an enjoyment of that, so I’m taking a pause and going on dating hiatus until his face becomes blurry again.

That’s my update.

Much Love Always ToAll My Readers,
The Memory Filled Rose.

p.s. He did apologize for all the actions he took from the moment he picked me up in Lindenhurst after the SingerLover fiasco. He recognized that while he kept instilling in me verbally "we are just friends," his actions confused me and showed otherwise.

p.s.s. This was not about sex for either of us. He allegedly has not had sex since me (7 months ago), and I’ve not had sex since SingerLover (almost 4 months ago).