things i need to say … i need to say

As of late i have been dealing with some pretty intense feelings about Joseph.  I dont usually like to write abt him in this thing, but its easier to type my feelings. So basically I’m trying to emotionally adapt to what is going on with us.  Basically I want to know how serious about me and us he is feeling, but im afriad to just come out and ask him. IM super insecure when it comes to men and relationships and I find it so hard to believe that he could really care for me as much as I care for him.  I have hang ups about our age difference and I wonder about how realistic this relationship is.  Anyway, I came up with a little something that i want to say to him to give him an idea of why I am so insecure and caught up and why it really makes things easier for me if he opens up to me and lets me know how he feels. so here’s what i plan on saying to him in so many words:

Ok so I wanted to talk to you about something kind of personal .  I think its kind of weird that we have been dating for some time and in such an intimate and intense way yet I hadnt developed the guts to share more about myself with you.  There are some things that have been on my mind and that I have been struggling with for some time now and I wanted to share them with you.  Im nervous about showing u a weaker or softer side of me, but i think its important. So let me tell you  a little story.  When I was 14 I met this guy named Ben.  Ben was three years older than me. and thats not much time, but when you are that young it really is an eternity. and I loved it.  to me Ben was a grown man.  I had always been a confident and outspoken girl.  Dating a grown man meant that not only was i confident and outspoken but i was also smart, mature, and sexy.  i felt great about it.  my mother however was not quite so excited.  the first thing she said to me when i told her about ben was "what does a 17 year old boy want with you?" And i know she didnt mean it the way i heard it. i know she felt that any older guy would probably only be interested in me for the sex and she was worried for me.  BUt thats not what i heard.  I heard the emphasis she put on the word you.  what does a 17 yearold want with you? and i felt like she was saying that i wasnt smart, pretty, mature, intelligent enough for someone older to be seriously interested in me as a person and as more than just a fling.  IN the end she was right.  a couple months and my virginity later he stopped talking to me,  broke up with me in an email and left me for a girl he had been seeing behind my back.  he had a daughter with her a few months later.  I was heartbroken, truly truly devestated. I have never felt that way after a break up again. and after him I never seriously dated anyone older. a year, or two was as old as they would get.  There were  a few times when i gave older guys a chance. even a 27 yo guy once but everytime i was wrong about them.  So i guess its safe to say that i have developed over the years a serious hang up about older men .

When I told my mom about how old you are, IM sure u can guess, the first thing she said to me was "what does a 26 year old want with you?"  This time i was ready.  this time i had faith and i defended us perfectly. I looked at her without getting emotional or worked up and i said, listen you do not need to be concerned about his age because i am not.  What you need to know is that he treats me well, makes me smile, and respects me.  I told her that a guy my age is still on the pussy chase and you are not and that makes u better than the rest and it makes you able to respect me as a person not an object to be obtained.  and i managed to change her mind.  she saw that i knew wat i was talking about and when she saw how excited i was to talk about u she warmed to you and she hasnt said a thing abt ur age since. Now i would never admit this to her, but when she asked me that question the little voice in my head said she’s right. what does a 26 year old see in you.  and i ask myself that everyday now. "What does this MAN see in this little college girl? How is it possible that he sees something in me> what do i have to offer?  how is it possible that he wants to spend his free time with me? could he really be serious about us and about me?"

So i ask myself these questions and i feel really open and vulnerable telling you all of this because i dont think ive ever had to share this part of myself with anyone.  BUt honestly i feel open and vulnerable alot when im around you. i feel self conscious because im afraid that one day i am going to say or do something that will make u wake up and say "whoa this girl is just a kid and this cant work". and then my dream will be over. and i dont want to have to lose another year or two years of my life getting over someone. not now anyway.  and i feel so ridiculous just telling u that im caught up about these stupid things but im more insecure than i try to portray myself. I second guess everything and i have a hard time believing that im worth someones attention and respect and love.  im working on changing that and becoming more self secure, but in the mean time i just want u to know that its not always so easy for me. thats  the deeper reason as to why i want u to sort of spell things out for me. I dont have to worry or wonder how u really feel about us or me.  Ill know for sure and that eases my anxiety a little and makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin and self confident.   so thats how i feel ….

And then after that i guess either he’ll look at me like im annoying or he’ll understand and open up to me about how he feels. {sigh} now i just have to get up the courage to say this to him uuughghg.