Not Today

I should really sit down and write down all the events of the past 16 months of my life, in detail. I think it would be really therapeutic. In fact, I know it would be. The task is daunting. Sixteen months of your life, to be explained in a limited amount of words? And then, of course, there’s the fact that I’m afraid. Afraid to relive the pain in a new way, afraid of what I’ll discover. But I can’t let fear hold me back forever. It’s time I start taking control of the thoughts that swirl around in my brain. It’s time for me to take control again, in a new way, in a healing way. This awakening that I’ve been feeling, it’s so refresing, and so scary. I find myself wishing I could feel like the old me again, but I realize that I was so naive then, and there so much I was purposely blind to. I find old parts of me returning, but there are new things showing, as well. Things that only time and the pain of hard lessons can bring out in a person. I’d like to think that I’m becoming a better version of myself. Taking the good of the old, and combining with the good of the new. I know I’m always going to be flawed. That’s what being human is. And I’m okay with that. For the first time in my life, I am actually willing to start accepting my flaws. To embrace them, even. Can you imagine how liberating that is? To start to really accept yourself for who you are, and to see that you are beautiful? It’s utterly amazing. And humbling. And exhilirating. It’s like a dear friend told me about 15 months or so ago – "What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning."

Some day, I will sit down and write about the events, thoughts, and feelings that brought me to this place.

But not today.