NoJoMo #9

Well, I promised to have more to write about today… and man, can I deliver.

Stan’s mom’s lung cancer is back. I got the news yesterday. I guess it’s back in the same spots as before *heavy sigh* She’s going to have to do 30 straight days of radiation, followed by chemo again. And I guaruntee you that this time, she won’t quit somking. So what’s the fucking point? I’m sorry. I woke up feeling a little angry about it. Especially since Stan left to go to work early, and when he said he was going to take a long lunch and go see his mom, his voice got that sound people make when they’re struggling not to cry 🙁 It breaks my heart, and it makes me angry because his mom won’t stop. Now, I’m sure that isn’t fair to her, because with the previous radiation, her brain isn’t working at full capacity, and I don’t even know if she can fully comprehend what this means, like the fact that the smoking she’s been doing is probably what caused it to come back. It’s easier to be angry, and it’s easier to be angry at someone here than at God or life in general, and I think that’s where this is coming from for me. I want to scream at her that she’s killing herself, and a part of her son right along with her, but it wouldn’t do any good. My mom said to me today, "People make their own choices, honey, and there’s nothing you can do about it." She’s right, and that sucks. Ah. I think there’s my source of anger, really. I am powerless to stop this. I am helpless to make this problem go away for Stan. I know I’m right, because I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I write this. Thank GOD I was smart enough to never start smoking. I can’t imagine putting my family through this.

While speaking to my mom, she told me she talked to my aunt over the weekend, and that the doctors have her on oxygen full time now. They haven’t done the test on the spot on her lungs yet, so she has to go back. Also, the problem with her heart isn’t going to get any better, and the swelling in her legs continues. My mom said she asked my aunt if she had stopped smoking. Her reply? "Of course not. And people just need to leave me alone." Great. Once again, powerless to help my mom, either. I was proud of myself for not lecturing her on smoking when I called. I was dying to, but it’s not what she needs to hear right now. And, like she said, people make their own choices. I can’t make her quit. I just have to pray she comes to the decision on her own.

My day yesterday was alright. It was a Monday, and Mondays at work are always extra-stupid. That’s really all I have to say about that.

Well then. I’m going to go lose myself in a book until it’s time for work.