Changes

It’s been a little over a year since my last entry. And you know what? It’s amazing how much your life can change in 1 year. Let’s break it down.

I found out around this time last year that I was pregnant. I remember I was estatic, and also terrified. I’m happy to report that the pregnancy went incredibly well, aside from developing gestational diabetes, which I managed quite well, and I delivered a beautiful, healthy little girl on September 18th at 10:41pm. I named her Skye Linn, and she is now 5 months old, and the light of my life. I never imagined that I could create such a perfect little person. Being a mother is definitely hard work, but also such a wonderful blessing. I can’t believe how fast she’s growing, or how much I love her. I never thought I could worry about anything so much, but it’s a constant with her!! Always wondering how my decisions will affect her future. I desperately want to be a good mother.

I recently lost my job. After 3 months of maternatiy leave, I was let go. Apparently, the decision was made while I was on leave, but they "allowed" me to take my full leave. They contested my unemployment pay, lost, and have now filed an appeal. I have a phone hearing tomorrow morning at 10:30am. Here’s hoping I win! I’m still currently jobless.

Perhaps the biggest change is that my marriage is over. The man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with decided he didn’t love me anymore. What’s even better? He loves my ex-best friend, Amy. He was having an affair with her for over two and a half years. I found out he wanted a separation 3 weeks after our daughter was born, and then about a month later, he finally confessed to having an affair with her. I suspected for awhile, but I never really let myself listen to what my gut was telling me, because I just couldn’t fathom someone who I saw pretty much every weekend, who I trusted so completely, would be stealing my husband behind my back. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he gets as much blame as she does. He should have known better. I suppose, in a way, I should have known better. He told me he cheated on a former girlfriend, years ago, and told me that he could never do it again. That nothing was worth all the guilt and the pain and the lies. I believed him, and thought that because it had happened well before he met me, that he was a changed man. Stupid, stupid me. He had us all fooled. My other friends, my mom… every one thought he was such a good man. I’ve been wrong about people before, but I’ve never been this wrong about two people so close to me. When he confessed to having an affair, he lied about the length of time, and the only reason he confessed was because he was asking for another chance after ONE NIGHT out of the house. That lasted about a week. Then he said he couldn’t decide who he should be with – his heart said her, his brain said me. After about a week of trying to give him space to decide, and dealing with him talking to her the whole time, I made the decision for him. It was clearly going to go that way, anyway, but I decided I didn’t want to wait around anymore. I couldn’t take any more. He’s now out of the house, living with his whore, and we split custody of Skye. We’re still techincally married, just separated, but that’s only because I don’t have the money to start the divorce process yet. I know that I don’t love him anymore, but I am still so angry and hurt. I feel utterly betrayed. I wish I didn’t have to see him anymore, but because of Skye, I have to see him for the rest of my life. I will never be free of him. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter and wouldn’t trade her for anything. I don’t regret her, which means I can’t regret my time with him. But sometimes I think about how much easier it would be to move on if I didn’t have to see him every day. The bitch who called herself my friend for so long has never once said anything about this, even after I sent her serveral texts giving her a piece of my mind. She is a complete coward. They both are. The only reason he’s with her is because he’s afraid of being alone. I closed the door for out future, and because he didn’t want to end up alone, he took the only other road open to him. I hope they’re utterly miserable together, and I can’t wait for karma to come back to get them.

Another big change is that my mom is sick. Really sick. Before Skye was born, we found out she had breast cancer. A couple days after Skye was born, we found out it was a type called triple negative breast cancer – basically, Stage 4, extremely aggressive, and not a lot of treatment options that would eliminate it. At best, they said they could reduce the amount of cancer, but she’d never be cancer-free. The cancer is in both breasts, her lung, her rib, her liver (or kidney – I can never remember), the back of her neck, and it had spread to her brain. They did radiation on the brain tumors, and she’s been undergoing chemo since finishing the radiation. She was on three drugs, one of them trial drug specifically for this type of cancer, but we just found out it wasn’t working. Her previous tumors got worse, and new ones formed (such as the one on the back of her neck). She started another form of chemo last week, and we’re keeping our fingers crossed that this one works to reduce the tumors she has.

Enter Ben. I found Ben on a dating website shortly before Christmas. He’s 29, a former Army Ranger medic, currently a high school teacher. I had decided that I was tired of sitting around, thinking about Stan and Amy and the horrible thing they did to me, so I signed up for the site. I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I just wanted to meet new people, and see where things went. I met a couple guys who were nice, but nothing really sparked. Then, on December 23rd, after exchanging quite a few messages and then texts, I agreed to meet Ben at Downtown Disney. He ended up being an hour late, and I thought I was going to end up writing him off. But the minute I saw him, there was an instant attraction. I never felt that with Stan. Anywho, we started walking around a talking, then grabbed some hot coffee (because it was COLD) and found a place inside to sit and talk. We ended up closing the place down at 2:00am. I’ve never felt a connection like that with someone before. We just talked and talked, and laughed, and it was so comfortable, and yet exciting. Whenever our hands would brush or his leg would touch mine under the table, it was like electricity went through me. It was incredible. I took him to his car and he told me to text him when I got home, then ended up sending me a text 5 minutes later because he couldn’t wait to talk to me. And now, almost two months later, we’re completely in love and incredibly happy. Oh, we both still have baggage from our pasts, but we’re working through it together. He is incredibly patient with me, and I with him. He tells me constantly how beautiful he thinks I am. That’s actually how he greets me. "Hi beautiful." He spoils me, to the point where it embarasses me, because I can’t return the favor monetarily. He says he doesn’t care, that I spoil him every day by being the best girlfriend ever. You can’t imagine how nice it is to hear things like that after all this time. Stan never said things like that to me in the last few years, and hadn’t touched me since I was about 5 months pregnant. Now here’s this man who can’t get enough of me, in all ways, and it makes my head spin. I confess, sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m so terrified of being made a fool again, and while I trust this man more than I thought I would this early, I find I’m holding pieces of me back… just in case. This past weekend has gone a long way to tearing down those walls, though. We spent the weekend at Disney (Skye was with us Friday until 6:00pm, when I met Stan at the house to trade her off [sounds crude, but that’s pretty much the truth, right?]. and Stan watched her the rest of the weekend), where we stayed at a resort and spent a lot of our time in the theme parks. It was such an incredible vacation, even though it was close to home and we were pretty busy. I had an amazing time with him, and loved every single minute. I’ll have to write a seperate entry on it (if I can find the time lol).

So, there it all is. My major life changes in 1 year. I’m exhausted just reliving it. But it feels good to write it down. I’ve told and retold the story a bunch of times, but for some reason, it always feels better to write it down. I’ve certainly missed writing, and am hoping to get a little more time to do so now that Skye is getting a bit older. I wish I had written during my pregnancy, but really, I was so tired that I never really felt like I could make it through an entry. Also, I think I was afraid of the conclusions I’d form about Stan as I wrote – I wasn’t ready to face whatever was wrong with us.

I had better head out – time to get the baby settled down for bed.