Because I want to say it but can’t.

The other day Krud had an entry discussing what you would do if you could take over your parents bodies for 24 hours.

My dad passed when I was 17 and he never met my children. They ask about him sometimes. I wouldn’t want to be him, I would just want him back for 24 hours. I would want him to meet my children and I would want them to meet him. A large part of me would want to be selfish and spend all 1,440 minutes of that day with just him and I. I would tell him about the last ten years. I would tell him about my plans for the future and I would ask him what he thought of my life and what I’ve done with it. I’d ask him if he was proud of me.

I noted on Krud’s entry that if I could be my mom for 24 hours there is only one thing I would consider and that would be suicide. It was a joke, for the most part. I spent all day today with my mom in the hospital. She went in yesterday with a swollen throat and the cat-scan revealed a mass at the base of her skull. She was transfered to another hospital where they did an MRI to find out what it was. It’s either an infection or tumors, we won’t know until tomorrow morning. My older sister and I spent the day at the hospital with her and I kept joking that it was just an infection. I don’t know why I went to the hospital and I don’t know how to feel about this. She was never there for me. Ever. I can’t begin to explain the horrible pain my mom has put me and my siblings through. So why was I there? Why am I crying? I don’t know.