New Year’s Past

Another new year. Hopefully, each year will get better than it’s previous. I stole this from someone else’s diary- thanks Mel 🙂

NEW YEARS 04- Not too bad, just… dull. This was the first new year’s I decided getting plowed wasn’t necessary. Instead, when I got out of work, Mike and I bought a bottle of rum, came home and watched the “Sex and the City” marathon on HBO while playing the game of life. Uneventful, but still funn.

NEW YEARS 03- My first new year’s of age to drink in the bars. A bunch of us were going to Excalibur, a bar downtown. 9 of us were sleeping on the floor of a studio apartment. Well, we got there late, and our tickets only allowed free drinks from 8-11. We didn’t get there till about 9:15, so I figured I had to play catch up. And I didn’t keep to my same drink- berry martini here, captain and coke there, shot of rumplemintz and a jaeger bomb in between. By 11:20, twenty minutes after the drinks were no longer free, I was not feeling to “free” either. I sat down, took off my “glass slippers”, leaned against the wall, shut my eyes, and five seconds later- all my free drinks were not only covering the floor, but my new shoes as well. The cab ride back to the studio, all I did was cry about my family, my sister passing away, my grandma… BAD.

NEW YEARS 02- Last New Years I spent with Brian. We Karaoked, drank, and Candice… the bitch that stole him, was there as well. But, he kissed me at New Years, and afterwards we went back to Candice’s apartment. But… whatever… it’s over.

NEW YEARS 01- Can’t even remember- couldn’t have been THAT great.

NEW YEARS 00- Grandma died on the eve… it wasn’t that much fun to deal with.

This year? I worked… got out of work ten minutes before the new year, and started to head to the city. At the countdown, driving down the highway, I saw all the fireworks going off around me. It was beautiful. I hung out at a friend’s apartment for a while, came back.

Called friends from Champps, went to the hotel they were ate. Drank, talked, had drama… a girl that we work with, Brianna, which nobody really likes, was fired because she was taking shots with her tables, and she got tipsy…but she is underage. So, she was upset, everyone tried to comfort her. After everyone had left, I stayed and started talking with her- and we had one of those deep conversations that can only happen while intoxicated. And things were getting intense… I cried about Mike, about how this decision, though it’s his decision first and foremost, is hurting me so much. I told her how I loved Mike so much that I couldn’t bare not seeing him everyday, and not hanging out and laughing and having everything we say only be understood by each other.

Then… something happened… she reached into her pocket and asked if I would mind…and I stopped her, “Are you talking about cocaine? If you are… dont’… it killed my sister.” This lead to crying about that. When we left the room we were talking in, I started talking to another girl, Nicole, and told her about the cocaine. She told me she used to use, and that someday Brianna would learn… or maybe someday Brianna would end up like my sister Kerri… dead. I couldn’t take it. After I collected myself, I got up to leave, but not until I got Brianna’s number to call her when I got home. I hugged her, told her I would call her, wiped my eyes, and got in my car.

I cried the entire way home. I miss Kerri, and every new year I face without her pains me just a bit more. You would think it would get easier, but it doesn’t. I am afraid one of these days I will wake up… and not even remember what she looked like… smelled like. (I just typed “looks and smells”, as if she were still here.) I got four hours of sleep, then went to work for another 10 hour shift. I came home, and typed this.

I want this year to be different. And, it may call for drastic measures. But, while talking with Stu, a friend of mine who moved to North Carolina a couple years ago, he has made me see angles of this situation I haven’t seen before. This wouldn’t be like moving out of the house just so I wouldn’t go insane with my family everyday… this would be running away 2000 miles south. Would it be considered moving away from family obligation? Or, just doing something once for ME and not worrying about my family. I love them, I always will… but.. I dunno.

Stu said that the reason he moved down there was to finish school. But, also… he took himself out of everything that was familiar so he could start over on a clean slate, to find himself. He said: “You have to love and help yourself before you can help others. Your only as good to others as you are to yourself.” Maybe… that would work for me too. Plus, I could get out of debt and start saving money for once. Who knows… once again, I am back to square one.

I will try this year to be more confident in my decisions, but to way out every option before I make one. Happy New Year everyone.