You may as well move on

I am in a terrible mood. There is zero reason other than I woke up this way. Every tiny thing is making me more grumpy and more angry.

I need to start eating better. I think my eating habits are impacting my moods and energy level.

When I go home this weekend I am going to bring back my running shoes and running clothes. I need to start running in the evenings a few days a week. I feel so fat, unhealthy and blah.

Now, I know I’m not actually fat but I feel fat. I feel gross. I don’t want to be seen in a bathing suit this summer, I’m dreading tank tops, etc. My stomach/sides feel disgusting to me. I feel more squishy than ever before. I know when I run it boosts my energy level and makes me eat healthier. I need to do this. I don’t want to diet, I don’t need to but I want to stop eating like I do. It’s terrible, disgusting and just unhealthy. Not only do I eat candy EVERY day…at least 5 servings of candy but I eat nothing healthy either. I eat cereal or a cream cheese and jelly sandwich and that’s it. Nothing really. A few times a week I eat with my boss. That is the only time I eat a real meal. I use to drink juice and vitamin water, now it’s soda all day. I’m only drinking milk with my sleeve of Oreos. Right, a sleeve of them…that’s 5 servings of Oreos at one time, at least 3-4 days a week. I’m underweight and feel huge. I know it’s mostly mental. I know if I run I’ll feel better and eat better automatically. I don’t want to cut out all sugars but I will be diabetic if I keep this up. It’s terrible.

As my entire previous entry discussed, my reproductive organs hate me. I don’t know if it’s the stress or if I’m really having a problem but I am having low cramps, sharp pains, thicker discharge, and just feeling “different.” I am so nervous for my biopsy but also looking forward to answers.

I don’t know if I mentioned but my friend gave birth to her son about 9 days ago now. They were prepared for him to have Downs. Thankfully he is healthy otherwise. He has no heart defect/heart murmur which they were worried about. His breathing and color and everything were excellent. He has done great with breastfeeding and seems healthy with the exception of the diagnosis of DS. I am very happy for them. He is gorgeous and they are all in love with him as they should be. Hopefully I’ll meet him soon but right now they are bonding with him and helping his big brother adjust to being a 2yr old big brother and not a 2yr old only child. 2 is a tough age but he is doing great they said.

My bosses have been fighting a lot lately. Everyone is very stressed out and we are all feeding off each other. I have never seen them fight the way they have been. It’s tough on the kids and on me. We are all “in the way” when they argue and none of us can do the right thing. I try to occupy the kids but they get scared. Then my bosses go to a private area to fight and try not to yell but there is a ton of screaming from one. One fights meanly, saying terrible things while the other just walks away. That makes it worse. The kids have been extra loud, extra whiny and extra needy but I can’t blame them. They are scared, nervous and worried about their parents. Honestly, I am too.

Money has me beyond stressed. I really am having some serious issues but I’m better off than most. We changed my pay days and I am partially on the books now. This makes small changes with big impacts.

James is back to being his completely loving self now that our argument is behind us. He is trying to keep me calm and happy. I couldn’t go home this weekend because the trains were shut down due to the snow. I had a quiet weekend and I really missed him. I know he missed me too because he called a lot.

This is silly but I was very upset when dating Jesse because of a conversation him and I had. We went to an aquarium because my friends were going the day after a wedding and I didn’t give him a choice. He pretended to like it but really didn’t have any interest in it. I asked him a few months later if he would take me to the zoo for my birthday. He refused. He didn’t just say no. He told me he thought zoos were stupid and for kids. He told me there was NO WAY he would go to the zoo and thinks grown adults shouldn’t be there unless they have kids. He was beyond rude about it and even said he’d never take his future kids to the zoo. This was one clear sign we wouldn’t work. His lack of effort/willingness to try something new! Something that took a few hours out of his day but not anything painful or scary. Anyway, I asked James this weekend if we could go to the zoo when it is warmer out. He said, “of course, you love zoos. I don’t think they are so interesting but with you it’d be a riot. You are like a little kid with that shit. What one? Do you want to go to the Bronx or to the one in Philly? Is there a bigger one?…” He was excited for me. He also said he’d go to an aquarium too. He’d prefer the zoo but he’d do both he said. This shows his personality fits me so much more. He tries to make me happy! He tries to give me what I want. It won’t kill him, it won’t make him go broke so of course he will do it. He may not like going to bars or being social but he’ll do “family” things with me. It made me so happy to hear James’ response.

I am ending here…baby needs lunch made.