took a week or so.

James and I are both taking our relationship further. There are signs (to me at least) that we are both more serious about being together than ever before.

I am slowly ending contact with many guys in my life. I am slightly text obsessed. Texts make my world go round it often seems. I am tired of waking up to texts from over a half dozen guys, mostly sexual texts. The thing is, I haven’t slept with these guys or if I have it was over a year ago (some 5yrs plus). I spent over a month not sending texts back to these guys. They don’t stop! One gave up, seven continued. I text the remaining seven, “Hey, I am in a relationship and do not appreciate sexual texts. Hope all is well and I’ll speak to you another time.” Five continued! I was angry. I changed my Facebook status to “in a relationship” and I deleted their phone numbers from my cell along with any other guy I do not have an interest in being friends with. If I receive a text from a number that is not in my phone, I delete it instantly. These people are not friends, they are not respectful, they are not worth my time. If James was receiving sexual texts from girls I’d be angry and would want him to do the same thing I am doing.

James knew I wanted to see Alice in Wonderland. He had very little interest in seeing it. He told his friends he was taking me Friday night to see it. They began to tease him and tell him that it’s a “pussy movie” and he is “whipped.” He told them he could care less, he is taking me because I want to see it. I was so happy when he told me he was taking me. He knew I wanted to see it but I haven’t asked him to go because I know it isn’t his type of movie. He does like Tim Burton but he doesn’t usually like movies that are re-made or ones based on books. He is always disappointed when he likes the first version better. I cannot change his taste in movies so I mentioned if he wanted to see Shutter Island I would. It is something he would probably enjoy and I wouldn’t hate. However, he surprised me by asking me to see Alice with him. It shows he is thinking of my feelings and wants. I ended up really enjoying Alice and he was okay with it. He didn’t love it but he wasn’t upset about seeing it.

He has also made a huge step and now kisses me without being asked. He also cuddles without being asked. This is hard for him. He has been so closed off for about 4yrs now. I am very cuddly at times and he is responding well to my desires. Of course this gets him things he wants but for 4yrs he didn’t feel he needed to cuddle or kiss me. I’m very happy with this development.

Another positive step he took; he told his friends he is dating me. He talks about it more. He use to answer the questions about his Friday night plans as, “I’m gonna do whatever.” or “I don’t know.” Now it’s, “Courtney will be here.”

These are small changes but very important to me.

My boss had surgery today. She is resting now. I’m going to try my best to keep the kids quiet so she can recover peacefully. I know it is impossible to keep three young children quiet but I’ll do my best. She came home about noon today. The 2yr old and I were out getting the mother’s prescription filled till almost 1pm. We got home and the little one was falling asleep so I let her nap for about 30minutes on the couch. I woke her up and made lunch and now she is watching TV. I don’t usually put the TV on during the day but I want to keep her calm as much as possible. Her mother is in her room trying to rest. I hope the pain meds are working for her. The kids come home between 4 and 4:30. Then it’s tough. I need to do homework, dinner and bath. Bedtime is 7pm tonight because they stayed up till 8pm last night then fooled around till almost 9pm. I had to wake both of them for school and they were so sleepy and cranky. Bedtime is always 7-7:30 so I’m sticking with 7pm tonight. We had a rough weekend and they need to catch up on sleep a bit.

This past weekend we had no power from 6pm Saturday till 11pm Sunday. Saturday the kids slept here but Sunday the oldest slept by a friend’s house and went to school with him Monday, while the two girls and I slept by a different friend’s house. Our house was just too cold for the kids. Their mother slept home and their father went to work. The kids all had late bedtimes because they were away from home. I slept the worst because I woke up every time one of the girls moved during the night. Then the little one cried out at 4am for me so she went into my bed to avoid waking the people we were staying with. I did not sleep at all with her in my bed. She moves too much! The bed we were in was not against a wall so I was worried she’d fall out of bed. I had no extra pillows for the floor or anything. I kept my arm around her after a while. It was a rough night for me but a decent one for the children. The night before I didn’t sleep at all. I got on a train at 9pm Saturday night and ended up in bed at 5:30am. I was delayed at Secaucus, Penn, Jamaica, and on the trains too. I also had to take a bus and walk in the rain. Lovely. The wind was the worst part. Flooding wasn’t too bad here, mostly just fallen trees, broken fences, garbage cans all over, and power lines down. The town is still a mess but it’s getting cleaned up slowly. Quite a few people are still without power.

I began this entry almost a week ago and have left it and come back too many times to count. If the tense and tone change through-out that is why. I tried to change some of the past events to past tense because they were future tense.

Right now my bosses are at “grown-up dinner” with their friends. I want them to be here so I can be in bed! Ugh. It’s not late, it’s just that I am very tired.

My doctor’s appointment is this Friday. I’m nervous. I want to have the biopsy and exam done but I’m terrified of the pain and the results. I need to know if something is wrong with me but I don’t want to deal with

it either way. If something is wrong, that’s terrifying but if nothing is wrong then I have to figure out what is going on with my body?! I don’t want to think about it either way right now. James said he is going with me because he knows I want him there even though he hates doctor’s offices and seeing me scared, nervous or in pain.

Lately I have been having serious body image issues. I know I’m not fat, I know I am technically underweight but it doesn’t matter. I feel gross. I feel huge. I didn’t eat three days last week because of how I felt when I looked in the mirror. I haven’t gained weight so I’m not sure what is causing this but I’ve been crying a ton over it. I finally broke down and told James on Saturday about it. He was really understanding and reassuring but it doesn’t help really. I wish I could explain how I feel with more accuracy. I really am lost.

I’m watching Idol for the first time all season. I’ve watched pieces of episodes but not much. I usually pick a person during auditions and watch till they get voted off. They have always been number 1 or 2. I don’t even know these peoples’ names! What happened to me? Oh right, I have a life filled with children and a husband and home that are not mine!