Moving

 I think I am moving to Virginia. I have been in love with the idea of James for over 10yrs and I can finally say, “I am over him and the idea of him.” All my long time readers will shake their heads and say, “never.” I’m serious and I’m sure.

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I had a friend my senior year of high school that I had a crush on and knew he had a crush on me. We were friends, we were both in relationships and we were basically happy for being 18yrs old. James was in jail and his girlfriend was jealous of all other girls but we had 3 classes a day together. One had 8 students in it and we sat right next to each other despite everyone else having 2-3 seats between them. Another was study hall in a cafeteria and we never let even one space between us there. The third was gym class. He was a football player and a hunter but instead of choosing football, archery or any of the various other choices, he chose to walk the track with me and 85% of the other girls every day. He never once walked with someone else, only me. We talked about so many different topics but never “us.” We held hands once and we’ve hugged once. Our gym teachers even teased him for his level of interest yet lack of assertiveness with me.  We said goodbye the night of graduation and have not seen each other since that June of 2002. We became facebook friends a few months ago. He left a fiancé and I have been so up and down with James (technically single but thought my heart was his). We began talking on and off just catching up. We are now talking first thing every morning, last things every night and texting on and off all day everyday. I’m going to visit him in Virginia in a few weeks. He moved with his family there in about 2005. He doesn’t live in a city, or even a really populated area. He lives in the sticks. He owns a home. He loves to hunt and fish and work hard everyday. He doesn’t take sick days and loves his outdoor activities.

He doesn’t give me butterflies. He just makes me feel like I’m home when I hear his voice. It doesn’t make sense to me but I need it. I need him. It’s deeper than butterflies and obsessions. It’s deeper than lust. I’m terrified it’s real. James and I talked daily until Mike and I began talking…now I have talked to James once or twice a week. I don’t tell James I miss him or love him, I just talk about my day and listen to his like friends should. Then I get off the phone and call Mike to talk for as long as possible. I am going to visit him then he’ll come visit me and then hopefully I’ll move there. My only fear is that I won’t want to live in that rural of an area. His “town” has less than 700 people in it. I live in Manhattan! There are about 700 people in my building. The truth is, no matter how terrified I am, I still cannot wait to see him and move there to begin our life. I’m already looking into the licensure process between NY and VA. I have one thing holding me back from going the second I graduate…I don’t drive.

I have had a lot of anxiety over the course of my life. Driving has sparked severe anxiety attacks. I am going to have to try again. I have to go get my permit and begin the entire process all over I’m terrified that I won’t be able to do it and that will stop me from living there. I have to drive there, it’s not an option. 

I have so much say about student teaching and my semester and work but I’ll save that for another entry.