like broken glass

My thoughts are scattered right now but I’m attempting an entry anyway.
~The baby girl (17 months) is screaming in her crib right now. I’m off duty; the other nanny is ignoring her because it is apparently still nap time. She is sick, cranky and not sleeping well…she is screaming quite loud and I’m sure she has woken her brother by now. He would have slept an extra hour if she was taken from the room before she became hysterical. I have to leave her because the other nanny is working and it’s her call on when to go in….okay I listened to her cry for 15 minutes then I went in and got the babies dressed and ready for their lunch. That got the other nanny to do something. She was cleaning a bathroom so she was ignoring them…I get you need to clean but clean quicker or begin when they go in for nap not an hour and a half after they have been asleep!
~The little boy (17months as well) had to get stitches above his eye two days ago. I had taken his sister to get dressed after bath; his mother was cleaning up bath toys with him and taking him from the tub. He stood up and slipped, hitting his eye on the way down. He bled quite a bit but calmed down quickly. We put a band-aid over the cut to keep him from rubbing it while we spoke to the doctor. It looked deep, we thought stitches. The doctor didn’t sound concerned but said to take him into the ER just to ease our minds. He came home with about 6 stitches and the plastic surgeon stitching him said it was very much needed. He did great and it doesn’t bother him at all. He does have a black eye but he is fine.
~Went home Thursday morning-Saturday at noon. It was perfect seeing James. He was amazing. I did have an anxiety attack but it was not because of him. James was sweet, loving, doting, and fun. He was what I needed, when I needed it. My parents were good too. Sometimes my mother and I do not agree on anything, this time she was peaceful which was nice. She only made one or two rude comments.
~Anxiety is back in full force. I had two mini anxiety attacks last week and one full one at James’ house. One was waiting for the subway and it was smelly, loud and a lot going on. Sometimes I believe it is a sensory overload for me. The second one was just while I was walking to the subway. Not sure what that was but I stopped and just took a few deep breaths and was able to control it. The third woke me out of a dead sleep at James’ on Friday morning. I tried breathing and just telling myself he was right there. I ended up just being really bitchy to him and then decided a shower might help. I began uncontrollably crying in the shower and I was shaking and feeling the pressure in my chest building. I got out and got dressed and just cried on his couch for another 10 minutes. He gave me apple juice and had me eat breakfast. He sat near me but gave me space till I curled up in his arms. I really don’t know what it was that caused it but it was a decent one. Hopefully they go away as quickly as they came.
~Graduate school is moving along. I feel more unorganized this semester. I am having trouble finding an observation site but I’m working on it diligently. Tonight is my first quiz. I’m not too worried. I always have testing anxiety but I really feel I know the material taught so I should do fine.
~Friends…this whole topic is rough for me. I feel as though I don’t have any desire to have mere acquaintances, I just want true friends. My Amanda is hours away and we have our own lives but we still make time to talk and keep in touch. We could do better but we both try hard. I talk to Lisa a lot on the phone but it’s so dramatic every time. “Will I die alone?” is a text she actually sent me. Seriously? Grow up! She has been dating some douche for less than 3 months and can’t see that he treats her terribly, worse than the last mess she was with. She can’t even name one thing she enjoys about him other than that he has a fish tank. That means love? A fish tank? I am tired of her but I am trying to be a good friend to her. I talk to James daily, Deena (My old boss) a few times a week and my firefighter friend at least weekly. I made some new friends through college, sort of. Dan is amazing. A really sweet guy but he is a mess mentally. He has a girlfriend he really likes but I can also see a lot of issues there. I’m not sure but I think he has a pill habit or something. He’s mentioned pills, weed, coke etc a few times to me. It seems he is trying to gauge my reactions to see what he can share. We work really well together and laugh a lot together which is nice. He hasn’t included me in his out of school life and I don’t expect him to either. He is the closest I have to a real friend at college. There are a few girls; Alyssa and Sara that are nice but not people I’d want to hang out with if we didn’t have classes together. I just want my real friends…I want two from my past, Marie and Rob. I want James and Amanda. I want a new one or two. That’s it…4-6 friends would be just fine but I want them here, where I can see them. I don’t want to go to the movies alone, I don’t want to eat alone, I don’t want to shop alone. I’m always alone! I would love to get coffee with someone but I don’t know anyone in this huge city…living a block or two and you may never see someone. It’s odd, I love the size of the city but hate having nobody but my boss who either is working or with the babies, the other nanny who is late-40’s and not originally from America. My old nanny friend, Geeta and I had a ton in common even though she was in her late 40’s. We could talk and laugh and relate for hours. Juli and I are very different. She sees the word so much differently and doesn’t quite understand where I’m coming from. I don’t understand her views a lot either. We are just not so compatible. She works well with me, is great with the babies and only is slightly annoying. I’m glad she is the other nanny but we just have no common ground really.
~Last week I got a wax, bought a few new items such as cute underwear and just tried to do things for me. I bought a book for fun to read and read the entire thing during my travel home and back. I weighed myself at James’ and saw that yes I have lost about 5lbs this month. I’m just going to try to eat a bit better, walk as much as I can and not worry about what size my pants are. I hate being in-between sizes or a different size than I’m use to. People crave losing weight and being a size 0. I rather be wearing a 2 or 4 and have the pants fit me well. I can’t control this. It seems the more I lose the fatter I feel. I’m trying to just think spring and relax. I like dresses and skirts better anyway. Hopefully my leg will be strong enough to wear flip flops in a month or so and not need boots or sneakers. I still need the support near my ankle to help with my leg. Soon that will change I hope!