It’s December

I have mailed out almost $60,000 in bills the past few days. I am beyond excited to have so much less debt.
I am buying a new computer tomorrow and booking a trip to Costa Rica for my best female friend and I. We are going for a week in April and I am looking forward to time with her and seeing a new country more than I can explain. I need this. I deserve this. Not just for being hit by a car but for working so hard in graduate school, working insane hours dedicated to these twins and their mother and dogs. I truly have had no real social life in years because this is my second live-in job with barely any time off. I have overcome the majority of my anxiety issues and I am single and mostly happy. I struggle with my body image and the fact I have no time for a romantic relationship but overall I’m happier than I have been in a long time.
My grandmother had two heart attacks and heart surgery. She is okay but needs surgery again in January. She is 83yrs old and typically healthy. It was a scary week or two but she is basically back to normal.
Christmas is not going to be big this year. We are having a few meals with family on different days. I am giving my sister, my brother-in –law and my grandmother small gifts. I am giving my mother $4000 and my father $1000 and an ounce of weed. They are married so the money is basically shared money but Mom’s is to pay off the majority she owes on her car and Dad’s is for some dental work he wants/needs done that insurance isn’t covering. I sent my friend Erin a few gift cards to help with her boys for Christmas. I bought Hannukah gifts for the twins and my old nannying family. I am not exchanging with anyone else.
I am going this week to open a savings account and put about $10,000 in to it. The rest of my money is “spent” in my head. Bills, Costa Rica and my computer took the majority. I am planning on paying cash for nest semester but really I’m hoping financial aid is some grants. Not sure yet. I’d like to not take more loans but I may if I need to. I really want to make sure I have 10-15 grand for when I graduate…just in case I don’t find a teaching job that pays enough.
I’m losing weight but very slowly. In January I’m changing my eating habits. I’ll be packing lunch daily for student teaching so I’ll just only buy/prepare real meals. I’m not cutting out all coffee and all junk food but cutting down on it. I need to limit my sugar intake and my saturated fats a little. I just want to feel healthier and lose the fat on my stomach and sides. Love-handles are not so lovely. I will never have a six pack or be gorgeous but I need to feel better about myself.
The twins are doing okay. Boy twin is doing great, almost done with all therapies. He is a typical two year old with just a slight speech delay. His sister is much further behind in speech and occupational therapy related aspects. She is very unclear and does not put two words together. She also seems to process only about 50% of speech spoken to her even with basic language used. Her brother comprehends at least 90% and has a ton of 2 word phrases, he even uses a few 3 word phrases. He is still unclear often but a lot of that is a mimic of her speech or “baby talk.” Their mother says shit like, “hattie”, “duckie”, “lambie”, “Vin-Vin” and “Bru-Bru” etc. Those words are: hat, duck, lamb, Vinny and Bruno. She calls me “Coco” instead of Courtney and Juli is “Juju” instead of Juli. The kids have trouble using standard language and she isn’t helping them! My other pet-peeve is that she says “30 minutes of TV maximum a day” yet this morning they watched at least 2hrs with her because they woke up a little early and she didn’t feel like playing with them.
I miss James everyday. It is actually getting harder rather than easier. I truly think I would be happiest married to him. I want him to be he father of my children. I doubt either will happen and this makes me hurt. I wonder if my doubts destroyed us or if we are really not "meant to be."