How can he look at me?

I don’t think I’ve written a real entry in quite a while.
I am beyond stressed with school work. I have tonight, three days next week, and finals. I am done by May 4th. Then I have a week and a half break, and then summer classes begin. One more year, two master’s degrees; I can do this. I have a 4.0 still; I hope I keep it through these finals and final projects. I deserve it. I worked damn hard for it.
My love life is a mess. It’s a rollercoaster really. I feel like I’m searching now. I am ready to start my life with my future husband. That’s tough when you are single. I will write it all out here to help me get it all off my mind.
~James~ We obviously know that is a mess and just a bad decision. He and I are talking a few days a week but it’s not what I want, need or enjoy anymore. I love who he was, not who he is. I am not planning on seeing him in a romantic way again but I am weak when it comes to him, so we will see.
~Mike~ Too little, too late. He pops up every few weeks and floods me with calls and texts and sweet shit that means nothing in the long run. He wants a wife and kids and has decided I am that person. Too bad he is spineless and all over the place mentally. He begins a ton of business ventures and fails them all. He cannot make a decision to save his life and he gets tickets weekly for stupid crap like speeding, running stop signs, talking on a cell etc. He sleeps in late and stays up late. He drinks daily. I cannot marry him, so why date him?
~Kenny~ He would be an excellent husband, provider, companion. I don’t think he seems me as anything more than a friend. We get along great but it doesn’t go further than dinners and hugs. Occasional hand holding and flirting is the most forward he is. He and I can be friends.
~Kevin~ He really likes me. Really would marry me and be a great father for my future kids. He is not what I want. He is a recovering alcoholic for one. He is stubborn (more than me even). He hates to sleep and could care less about following laws that he doesn’t agree with. I think our personalities are just too different.
~Ross~ I like him. A lot. Head over heels. I don’t think he is looking for a long term girlfriend. We will see. Only time will tell. He is stuck in my head all day and night. I am going insane about it.
 
My third party benefits are coming through now. Checks are arriving at my parent’  house every few days for prescriptions and other reimbursements. Soon lost wages will come through, and then I can pay back my aunt and pay a large sum to my credit card. My bodily injury case is in Supreme Court and an offer is expected in a few more weeks.
The doctor calls me a miracle of God. My bones have reconnected. The breaks are gone. I limp, it will become less with time. Tomorrow I am going to get on a treadmill for the first time. I was going to today but I had too much schoolwork to do. Tomorrow. I will do it tomorrow.
I’m devastated by my weight. I feel huge. I feel gross. I cannot stand to look in a mirror. I literally close my head when I pass large store windows. I am eating healthy right after Easter. If I start now, I set myself up for failure. It begins right after Easter, right after that huge meal we have with a ton of crap. I am not going to count calories; I am just going to eat better than ever before. I always go full fat, I’ll go low-fat. I will not drink soda anymore. I will not eat candy often (less than once a week instead of multiple times per day) etc. I will work out at least 3 days a week. I will not look like this for much longer. I will wear a bikini without crying this summer. I will be proud to lie in a bed next to Ross with the lights on. I should mention that he works out 7 days a week for 2hrs per day and eats insanely healthy. He has a full six pack and is gorgeous. How can he stand to look at me? I was feeling terrible before I began talking to him, this just makes it worse. He acts like he loves my body; I want to yell at him that he is a liar.