can you change fate? If you believe…

I sit and wonder how I can change my life for the better constantly. But do I truly have the control over my own life? Do I decide what happens to me? I have decided that to an extent I do.
I finished my second semester of graduate school. I ended up with all A’s. I worked hard. I deserved each of those four A’s. I have 12 Days between the end of this semester and the beginning of the first summer semester. I need those days to relax, to be me, to wander the city. I do have work most of those days but overall it will be peaceful.
I am going home for a few days. Not really home…to James’s house. I just need a break from the babies and the routine. I need peace and quiet. My parents’ house is not a good place for peace and quiet. I rather go to James’ where I can sleep and hang out and cuddle with Pete dog.
It is funny how people walk in and out of your life but dome remain on your mind. I receive attention from guys constantly but I always push them away or they come and go. I never seem to settle or want to settle with anyone, except I do want to. When I was little I use to close my eyes and picture my wedding or picture me giving birth then looking to the father. It was never the same face; it always was a blur or a flip book of faces of unknowns. I never pictured my crush there, except in middle school and at times with James. In 8th grade it was instantly Kenny. It stayed Kenny even when I dated other people until James. James sometimes took that spot, sometimes he didn’t. It’s Kenny again, from the second I spoke to him this winter. Does that mean anything?
The hardest part about Kenny is that I like him, I am intrigued by him, I want to see him more and he seems to have no drive to see me or speak to me. He talks to me, texts me, or FB messages me randomly. He is very hot and cold, very inconsistent.
I am ready to go to James’ unless Kenny says he has time to see me. If he asked, I would change my plans in a second. Why does Kenny, a guy who barely gives me attention, come before James? James is much more consistent (even in his inconsistent periods).
I’m tired, I’m cranky, I still feel gross and out of shape. I have cut out soda from my life almost completely (I drink it less than once a week). I was drinking soda at least 3 days a week and there were periods where I drank a 2 liter bottle every few days. I know this isn’t an insane amount but I am happy to be rid of the extra sugar, the empty calories, and the caffeine. I also cut down to one cup a coffee a day, maximum 4 days a week. I was drinking coffee at least 20 times a week. The coffee itself is bad but on top of that I add a ton of sugar and whole milk to the coffee. When I say a ton of sugar I mean at least 4-5 “raw sugars” and 4-5 white sugars in each medium coffee. Now I drink maybe 4 medium coffees a week with 3-4 raw sugars and skim milk. I have stopped eating Oreos. I use to eat 15 a night then I cut back to about 15 Oreos 2-3 times a week. Now I have not eaten Oreos in about 2.5 weeks. I know I will but I’ll limit it to 3-4 cookies once a week maximum. I use to eat chocolate daily, at least once a day if not more often. Now I’m eating it less than 3 days a week and half the amount each time. I do not eat fast food more than once a month so that’s good too.
I have been going for jogs on a treadmill whenever I can. That’s 2-3 times a week for the past 2 weeks so far. I do a mile in 15-17minutes. I want to work up to a mile in 10minutes at least 4 days a week. I am also going to work on doing crunches or other abdominal exercises. I need to feel better about myself. I can’t live with the negativity.
Speaking of negativity…I saw a psychic this past week. I had gone to a cheap palm reader in the end of the summer with Amanda. I was told mostly positive things, she was told mostly negative things. Mine seem to have begun coming true but they were vague in some ways and specific in other ways. So, it’s been on my mind and I went to a different one this past week. She was creepy and more “legit”, meaning she had an awning that advertized her services out front instead of a cardboard sign. She read my palm then asked if she could read Tarot cards for me. I had never had them done and she offered to do both for $45 instead of $20 for the palm and $45 for the cards. I agreed. She was beyond specific, including knowing my exact birthday (I had not even removed my wallet to pay so I know she didn’t see my ID), she knew Kenny’s name and that he was a firefighter and that he lived in NY but not in NYC. She named his ex-girlfriend from high-school that hates me and told me she wished bad luck in love on me for life. She said that’s the reason I have all these guys interested but none following through. I seriously sat in shock. She told me she will pray for me and burn candles for $180 and fix this. I said I didn’t have the money. She talked more and told me I’ll be married in 5yrs and have boy/girl twins and another girl. After a while she said she liked me and she’d pray for me for free and to come back next week so she could tell me if it worked by reading my aura for free. I said okay. I go back Thursday. I honestly don’t know what to think. She knew my birthday, Kenny’s name and his ex’s name. That girl even told me she was going to put a “Hex” on me when we were about 16 or 17. This lady said the person did it a decade ago. She knew I had recently walked away from a decade of love but was still in love with that person. She said he’d always be my best friend. She was creepy for lack of a better word. She was detailed. She made me believe and she kept referring to God. That struck a chord with me. Usually psychics don’t mention religion or faith.  I’m not giving her $180 but I want her to “fix” my bad luck. Mentally I think if I believed she fixed the problem, I’d see things differently. Even if it’s all bull-shit, it’s mind over matter right? What if it isn’t shit? What if she says I will always be cursed? </strong>