…and it goes on and on again…

I never update when I should. I have so much in my head that getting it out is probably necessary. I’ll work on that among other things.
~Have not spoken to James in a few weeks. I am finally at my breaking point. I sent him a text “obviously you do not care about my feelings right now. I’m done. Have a good birthday. Call me when you miss me.” I’m done. He is choosing drugs over me again. I cannot do this. It is painful. Enough torturing myself for someone who walks all over me then pretends to care.
~Feeling fat still. I am in the process of changing my eating habits since exercising isn’t an option really. I work out when I can but between my schedule and my pain level of my leg I cannot really work out like I need to.
~I am craving a new tattoo. My sister’s best friend and I are going to get matching ones we think. We want my sister to do it too but she is terrified of getting one done. We are trying to come up with something unique to the two/three of us. She is like a sister to me; she has been a huge part of my family forever. I call her my sister’s best friend in order to describe how she entered my family but she is my sister too.
~School is terrible this semester. I’m not there mentally. It’s all the same shit over and over in all of my classes. I graduate in May, student-teach for both master’s In January. I just need to keep going…keep working…keep chugging along.
~I’m depressed. I hate my personal life. Not just my guy situation but my friend situation and my future living issues and job issues etc. I need to figure so much out. Need to find myself again. I’m in here…I just need to climb back out. I am trying without meds for a few more weeks. Otherwise, back to meds. I’ve only been on anti-depressants for my anxiety, never for real depression. I can’t tell if it’s my anxiety triggering the depression symptoms or the depression triggering the anxiety but it’s never been this bad before. I don’t even talk to my Amanda or Lisa or anyone else about it.
~I did the Buddy Walk for NDSS this past weekend. I took Brittany and her husband Zach and my twins. We had a great time and it was so nice to see my friends from high-school. They all asked about James. It killed me but I just said we don’t speak. They could tell I wasn’t discussing it. It was also awkward at points because certain people were being rude to others because of high-school drama. We are almost 30yrs old and people are still worried about what happened when we were 18! It was amazing to raise thousands of dollars and walk in unity to support an amazing child with a wonderful difference (Down syndrome).
~I have a crush on a guy named Matt. He works at the temple where the twins go. I would never pursue him because the children are going to go to pre-school there (he is the head of the preschool), plus my bosses’ boyfriend is his boss. He would have to pursue me but he won’t for the same reasons. This means, he is just eye candy.
~I stopped texting/calling/seeing my hairdresser. That was just sex with nothing going on. I can’t even say I really like him as a friend at this point. The more time we spent together, the more obnoxious he became. He is still part of my FB profile picture but I will change that when I get a new picture I like.
~I somehow went through an extra thousand dollars in the past month and a half. I know that about $600 was on clothes for my good friend’s kids. He and his wife are facing really rough times financially and emotionally so I bought school/fall clothes for his 4 kids. I bought things on sale but at Gap and Children’s Place. It was a huge box of items but it was still a lot of money I shouldn’t spend. Anyway, that’s not my point…I spent the other $400 someplace!! I have no clue where or on what?! I usually have my money planned out and know where every penny goes even if it is on something stupid like coffee or mani/pedis.
~I’m going to class now….I look forward to my ipod and book on the train.