think i’m going nowhere

so what if i’m a little insecure? it’s natural right? i mean, i know if i was super buddy-buddy with john and then became ultra concerned with his well being (even if it was well founded, which his is, given the background he’s given me) he’d be a little ‘concerned’ right back, i think. but now is the second time he’s missed an online date but i am refusing to let myself think that way, although now the idea had rooted itself gently in the back of my head. i know he does not have ready access to a computer and he also knows i’ll believe him no matter what (i nothing to refute him or place ill trust in him) and that i’ll forgive him and maybe that’s what makes me such a stupid person. two nights- two calls- hours of talk about her and i’m worried. i needn’t be but i am. i will always listen but i’ll always fear, even if it’s in the back of my mind.

i wish i didn’t have this.

~debbi