they took a street- we picked it up again

i had my final spectrum rehearsal today. it was fun and eric cried again. i can understand it, but hey. whatev. errald showed up too. i went over and gave him a hug. it was kinda nice bc he looked at me all surprised and said ‘oo, girl, you smaller.’ i kinda laughed, half embarressed, half surprised he just blurted that out, but hey. it’s errald after all. i said ‘really? you’re not just aying that bc you haven’t seen me in forever?’ he looked at me like i was socially stupid (which i might be) and said ‘then i woulda jus said hey girl what’s up.’ i dunno. it just made me feel kinda good. a good way to end my last rehearsal. i will miss it. not horribly or anything, but i will miss it.

but yea. i feel better about how me and nick talked last night. next time i talk to him, i’ll just explain to him that it’s not about him and that he should quit being so egotistical. *grin* actually, i’ll prolly just say how that’s the last thing i ever want to do and how i’m always trying to avoid that, or at least i was in the beginning. whenever i wanted to call him, i was rilly afraid to because i thought it would seem as if i was badgering him. looking back, maybe i sent a few too many letters and pictures to him as well. i dunno. he’s just something special to me and i didn’t mind writing them and picking out the pictures and knowing the whole time it was for him.

i remember tho, when i dated chris, we talked every single day for a month solid and it was me who called him. why? i needed someone my own age to talk to. chris was that person. after being cooped up in evendale with all those asses and having no one to converse with except my family and people from the lobby (now hollywood).. he was a blessing and vicki tried to warn me but i didn’t pay any attention and yea..

since then i’ve not cared nearly as much. i call when i want and if they call me then i can talk for hours but there are times when i need desperately to talk to someone- ANYONE- and i’ll just let it go. i refuse to be a burden on anyone like i was to chris then. i remember i wanted to take him places and show him things and there were so many times that i came close to telling him everything. john was the first outsider to know. i trusted him with my past and then he accuses me of being schizofrenic and being possesd by malevolent spirits.

since HIM, i’ve barely cared at all. if someone asks, i tell them what they want to know, regardless of what light it puts me in. it’s so difficult to care when your best friend kind of pushes you off like that. i’ve wanted to go back to him so many times, if anything just to be there with him. just to pretend that he didn’t accuse me of anything- of any of that. that his family was still mine and his parents were still mine and i could still talk to joe and heather and josh still knew my name. to sit on that couch knowing how badly he just wanted to go and lie down to watch a movie with me but to have enough say in the matter to sit in that armchair with the dogs while poppy was drinking in kitchen and john found a bowl and josh came to sit in my lap and the ac blew through my hair and the floor creaked with people from upstairs. it’s only memories now. horrible aching memories that i can’t replace with anything.

he was my best friend and sure, i have best friends now, but girl friends only go so far. and sean? he’s so.. uncaring, in a way. today, i lifted up jis shirt to lick him and his arm flew back and *pow* elbow to the head. it hurt so that i had the automatic tears. he didn’t rilly check to see if i was okay. it was the same when i hit my head on his windshield. he didn’t check. i think he assumes if i’m hurt, i’d tell him. at prom, we talked when we had a com breakdown, but rilly, he could’ve gone off.

so it comes down to nick thinking i’m so obsessed with him that i’m unable to function in life. i function quite well thank you! it’s just that, sometimes, when i’m driving and i see something pretty and the music is on a pretty song and i’m driving fast and the windows are down and the air is warm, you feel more alone then you usually do. it’s always been that way, before him and now. it’s not just the feeling of lonliness either. there’s something else.. i’m just not sure exactly how to tell it..

*sigh*

~debbi