these are the ones

i sang ‘the song’ again. every now and then i sing it, quietly.. to myself.. when there’s no one around to hear me. like when i recite that poem when there’s no one around to hear me. but the song is different. the song isn’t about anyone in particular. when i know what the song is about, i’ll have to shut this diary down and begin a fresh one. hopefully, it will never end once i begin it, but one can never tell..

moving right along, i thought about her last night, as i waited for nick. i knew he wasn’t going to call me as soon as i started writing about him in here last night. i don’t know how, but sometimes i just know. like, when we were talking about him coming up for thanksgiving (this past one) on the phone i suddenly knew he wasn’t coming. and he didn’t. i don’t feel bad about it or confrontational. i just know sometimes. i try to placate myself by waiting up or making excuses or even sometimes daydreaming that he’ll make it despite some terrific odds. it sounds pathetic but when you already know he won’t come, it helps take away some of the boredom of waiting around for nothing.

and just so nick doesn’t sound awful, i’m sure it would happen with john and such too, altough i can’t remember any specific instances other than the time he didn’t speak to me for a while bc of inga. maybe other things like.. oh. he had the problem of not coming to school, even when i ask him to. and there were days when i would hope but i just knew he wouldn’t be there. even on days that i would be going to his place afterwards. mmm.. i would say george too, but george was super clingy and was forever texting me, so yea.

going back to john, i was behind his brother in traffic today. i’d know that face anywhere. so i pulled up beside him, i think on the offchance he’d be turning into sharonville but he pulled off into evendale. i turned towards alreddy coffee and parked and asked myself what the fuck i was doing. what was i hoping for? a honk? a wave? a yell? i think john hates me and i expect his family to be friendly? i still am on the edge about whether to call john and try to squeeze some closure out of ‘us,’ esspecially since that dream i had a little while ago.

that and i kinda wanted to go out with george one last time, but i dunno if i’m gonna do that bc i know he still has feelings for me but he says he has a fiancee and i don’t wana fuck things up in his life by just going on a friend date with him and having her get all bitchy and suspicious.. or i may be wrong. she may be cool with it and GEORGE may be the one that gets all creepy, altho i know if i asked him to back off, he would bc, as clingy as he is/was, he was always appropriate.. to an extent. *merg*

mmhmm.. so that’s scheduled (slightly? maybe?) and i graduate the day after tomorrow and i plan on getting fucked up severly. jem wants to take me out but i still am kinda iffy about him. i know we had that huge knockout tearfest but that doesn’t mean that we’re back to normal. i know i’m not. it feels like things are mending funny.

jem has been calling me almost non-stop. every other call is him wanting to chat and every third call is stace seeing how i’m doing. it’s not like i just had surgery or anything. i am quite capable. i’ve been thru more than a few beatings and a forgiving. three deaths, four funerals, two births and way too many celebrations of the wrong varitiy. i can handle myself. i’ve lost a lot and gained just as much. i sleep and i wake up every day. that’s all people can ask of me and i still accomplish more. i am human. i used to want to cry at that statement but i’m okay with it now. i’m getting better with myself and i love. a lot. i even love someone now and he says he loves me back. i may have a future that doesn’t involve being trapped. i may get to live a little, enjoying what i do. i may get to have a life.

but yea..

~debbi