rusty angel
today has been a good and horrible day all at once. i got to spend time with mi captain and company, which made me happy. i got kicked out by her. sad. i drove katie to her car and had conversation as well as received 5$ for gas. happy. came home and found everyone gone. happy. turns out they went out to the movies without me, even though katie had said she wanted to see v for vendetta with me. sad flash. i sucked it up and drove out and joined katie (smother and daddie were seeing a different flick). very happy. i loved the movie completely. came home to a bunch of IMs and vm’s from the cap because i’d left my phone at home. he was pissed and telling me that he thinks we’re not going to work out. tears sad. i said my piece, apologized, and left a bit of stuff for him to read whenever he gets back on. semi happy. went downstairs and watched a *new* CI with mi parents. happy. smother started to complain about how long i waited to do something that has to do with school, and basically, though not in so many words, i told her to shut it because she always over reacts to EVERYTHING i tell her about school, which means from now on i have to quit discussing it with her. then my dad tries to butt in. i cut him off and he heaves this GIANT sigh, like he’s been trying to tell me something for weeks, so i snapped my laptop shut and went upstairs, saying a drippy sarcastic good night, even though crossing jordan was on and IT was new as well (so i missed all of it except what comes before the opening credits). sad and frustrated, but with paper mario 2 and neopets.com, i was back to feeling normal.. except for the call.
right at the beginning of CI, the phone rings. now, all my dad does when the phone rings is get annoyed, but he never goes to answer it. he says that he connects it with his work phone calls; whenever his office phone rings, something has gone wrong that he needs to fix. so i can understand that. if my smother gets up to answer it, my dad gets angry that she does. while during dinner or a discussion, i can see why. it interupts and she always takes the call, putting dinner on hold and pushing daddie’s mood, even though we have VOICEMAIL. and, returning to what i began saying, katie was sitting to my left with me on the end of the couch so i just picked up my lappy and answered the phone.
it was william. william fucking moore. i couldn’t believe it. after i’d gotten away from him and told him that i was not looking to come out and meet anyone anymore, with or without boyfriend, he called. at first i thought it was erik from high school, but his voice was too loud, but then william’s drawl crept into his voice and i froze and my heart started racing. ten thousand things ran through my mind, of what to tell him, of what to yell, of what to scream. instead, after a long pause, i said ‘hi’. he said that i sounded ‘shitty’ and was gonna let me go. being dumb, i thought for a fleeting 7 seconds that was possible (an easy way out) when he said ‘is that what you really want me to do?’ i had no answer. fumbling, i said ‘i don’t know what i want from you.’ he said fine, to call him if i wanted. i asked if he still stayed at howard’s, hoping the answer was no. due to my luck, he said yes and offered to give me his pager number. i wanted to vomit. i told him no; if i wanted to get him, i’d call and if he wasn’t home i’d leave a message. he said alright and we hung up.
and now i’m here. i don’t know what to think, or if i should even be worried about this at all. he hasn’t sought me out recently. my cell is different, so i don’t have to worry about that.. unless my smother gives it to him :tries not to think about it: but.. WHY? i told him no and leave me alone 2 years ago and he listened to me, but it’s like he’s forgotten now. why did he call? i’m really worried about him. i mean, so he hasn’t hunted me lately, but he still knows where i live. all he has to do is drive by at night to see my car. he still knows my phone number- he has my phone number still and called my house. i’m so nervous. what if i go out to my car some night to visit mi captain and he’s there? or waiting for me when i get home, all nice and liquored up?
..i think i need to go to bed..now..
~debbi