::meh:: *meh* ::rarr::

part of me feels numb. i’m not sure what it is exactly. i cried again. it relieved some of what’s catching in me, but not all. i just feel so stupid crying. it’s strange. earlier today i felt that everything was going wrong and that my life was about to be, if not already, ruined by something. now? i feel more content. peaceful. i catch myself thinking about denny. wondering why i’m with him. thinking only of the negetive things. he can be spacey and he sleeps a lot. more than i like, but i keep that bottled too bc i know he needs it. i mean, he DOES work thirds.

but it’s the shallow thoughts that get to me. he is a big boy and instead of holding his hands at his sides he folds them over his belly. he wears bulky white socks that crowd down around his ankles. he talks about blemishes and zits freely and jokingly and tells me how he messes with them. i know that that’s the more socially inept side showing, but it bothers me that i prolly can’t change that and i’m not sure if i want to. and he doesn’t mind getting. i offered him my whole paycheck to reimburse for little things he buys and he seemed hesitant about refusing it. i’m used to the instant refusal and the settling of a ‘better’ amount. it was then i realized that either i’m playing games or denny just really didn’t want to say no because that would mean more magic cards for him. there are a lot of little things about him that bother me, but he is so nice and we enjoy the same things. and i know he won’t hurt me (on purpose) and if i asked him to, he’d prolly mug someone. but he’s also a snag clingy which is sommin i’m not used to and i’m not sure whether i like or not. i still haven’t figured it out.

but regardless, i have a lot to do tomorrow so i better get some sleep.

~debbi