just another glutton for punishment

we just got a hamster! i am ultra stoked. i’ve missed having a pet and even though we’re breaking the rules.. EEEE! it’s so cute. it’s white and light tan. can’t wait. i also redyed my hair last night. it’s not as red as joey would have hoped so he wants to do it again before i leave to go home for christmas.

and i got my paper done for today. i still have to see that play though. me and gwinna never got to it bc.. well.. this was a hazardous weekend. she fucking made out with owen, even tho she already has a man. it made me a lil miffed that night, but i know now that i’m never going to have a chance with him and besides, other than partying, i don’t think we have all that much in common. also, i think he goes for the skinny pretty girls. another thing is that i always hang out with the guys, so it may not ever even occur to him to think of me that way. i mean, when we went drinking that night behind the ywca, it was me, steven, joey and him. i chill in joey’s room a lot and i’m usually in my room and not in the suite conversing with the other girls. i like them alright, but during the day i just like to chill and they’re usually loud (whether or not they’re drunk).. but i really do wonder these days. i mean, me and nick broke up and then i hooked up with jacob and then almost hooked up with some nasty naval boy (thank god alcohol makes him sleepy) and now i’m.. here. bo boyfriend, no close friends outside of the dorm.. well, the friends thing doesn’t bother me so much. i know tons of people from chilling in the courtyard.

i guess i don’t really know what i want. the nick relation has kind of.. almost cooled my heels about getting involved again. i mean, what is the fucking point? anyone you choose to love just leaves you eventually. i’m not pretty enough to score a lot of guys bc there’s such a high standard these days and i also don’t want to hook up with someone just bc they think i can’t get any so therefore i’m an easy score. i need someone close enough to where i can be with them, who will actually listen when i talk and not pick apart and shoot down any advice i give. i need someone response and willing to put some goddamn effort into whatever kind of relation we have. friends try hard to stay in touch and robert, while being the occassional ass, will pull through and do the sweetest things.

john, at least, wrote me notes telling me just whatever he was doing. sadly, it seems like my relations have just gone downhill since then. i had brian (for two weeks *bleh*) then i had george for a few months and i would consider hooking up with him again except he lives in florida now and i never got his number and now that my old cell is gone, i don’t have brian’s number to get george’s number. and nick? so sweet in the beginning. and then he left without warning and damn near split my fucking heart in two seperate pieces. went on two dates (one of which was an afternoon make-out session) with mike that went well and i dropped him as soon as nick came back. it had hurt me so much when he left without any resolution that i was more than willing to take him back. and i was so determined not to fall for him but, like the ass i make myself out to be, i did. and for what? 2 letters, some pictures online, a bunch of stories (that were often repeated), phone/IM sex and a lot of heartbreaks and let downs. he always wouldtell me ne thing and do another and it got to the point where he was mostly what i thought about but now? now that i know that i’m even worth some fucking postage i think i’ll be a lot better off hating this rotten life. i still love the trees and that sunset over the battery with the music i was listening to, but all i ever seem to get in this fucking relations department is a lot of the run around, a lot of pain and nothing to show for it. absolutely nothing. i considered nick to be my best relation ever but when you look back, i have nothing. in my senior scrapbook, i only have one picture that i had to print out from my pic files online. i sent him a birthday card and money and little gifts and prolly close to 50 pictures. i was so eager to be with him so i could do all these stupid sweet things for him that i have bouncing around in my head and as soon as i get down here, he decides it’s not worth the effort. am i so fucking stupid to left twice for what he claims is ‘the same reason as before’? am i so repulsive physically that any personality i have and any kindness i show still can’t make up for that negetive gap? do i just date the wrong men, like carrie? am i attracted to men who eventually break my heart and leave me behind forever or screw me over?

i’m too forgiving. when nick came back, i was willing to just let bygones be that. when george was upset without me, i went back to him. i hated to break it with brian (the moron) but i knew i had to. so why am i so even tempered and forgiving? other people hold grudges and say things they don’t mean but me? i’m sort of like that typical fairytale princess. kind, nurturing, forgiving, insightful, patient.. is that not what guys want anymore? do they desire conflict and strife? do i need to change my whole outlook on my life in order to not be alone at the end? all i want is someone to spend my days with on some front porch, talking. i want someone who would be willing to hold my hand in public, whether he’s drunk or not. i want an intelligent person, whom i can debate and argue with, who’ll return the kindness i show, who won’t place his drugs or alcohol or anyother vices over me. i don’t need a prince and i am far from a princess, but is that all such a damn difficult thing? if i could choose all the different things from all my past guys, i’d be fine. the convo’s from nick, the closeness of john, the intimacy of jacob, the cute smiles and willingness to do things for me from george, brian’s eyes (and ONLY his eyes) and maybe chris’ humor..

maybe my problem is that i love too sincerely. i tend to fall for everyone, but not in a romantic way. i love my suitemates and my friends and everything else that can bring a smile to my face. those few shooting stars, the starry nights in london, those flowers on the corner hidden by the snow, the deer on the lawn at night, my pictures, the breezes.. i love too much. maybe i’m just not capable of loving one single person. maybe i can’t narrow it down enough to where they feel comfortable enough. if only i could be a bitch and not do things when i don’t want to and say no when i mean it, but i continuously go along. i think of others first too often. maybe this world is harsh and dark and uncaring and i’m just not willing to see that. i look forward to each day and i see so much in everything. at least my opinion of myself is better. there are no more pills to swallow in the dead of night when my love of life turns against me. instead, i’ll cry or hit myself, which is so much better than before. and i’ll always have those scars. i’m glad no one down here has asked me about that yet. i’d hate to lie but i don’t want them to think i’m some strange girl. it would take too long to explain and i would never be able to quite get it right.

so i guess, for now, i’ll just envy these pictures around gwinna’s laptop and hope that someday i can have another day in the park like i used to have and not mess things up someho

w. i need exuberance and freedom and exhilaration and adrenaline.

i need something, but i don’t know if i’m ready for it, whatever it is.

~debbi